I found someone without a secure internet connection, so I finally get to sit down and use the internet. I have been dying to sit down and write a new blog!

I have been focusing on the negative a lot lately: I don't teach in the best area. I have students who have parents who are not supportive. Children come into class obnoxiously loud, children forget instruments, a good portion of the children cannot read, and calling home doesn't usually make a difference. I have been getting frustrated with this corrupt school system and city- yearning to move to a more "civilized city."

The odd thing, however, is that I was offered another position in a brand new school. Right at my interview, they offered me the job. It was everything I hoped to have (Other than the fact I preferred working with Middle school). I took the weekend to think over it and I turned them down today.

As I began thinking about it, I realized that all the people in the world who made a difference didn't quit when things began to start getting hard. They worked in the toughest circumstances and fought for something they believed in. If I were to move to another school because something seemed hard, I would be abandoning all this hard work that went into this year! I also realized how much I loved these kids and what all went into this time that we have spent together. I am building something and creating something and I don't want to leave.

We always want to make a difference, but we don't like feeling stretched and being called out on our weaknesses. We want to call someone else out and self-preserve ourselves. I get onto my students for doing that all the time and when I take a good look into the mirror, I am doing that myself too.

Since I have moved to Memphis, I have questioned why some of my favorable traits have gone away and I realized that this has been a stretching process. I only developed those attributes in college because I was in a bubble environment: I got to see who I could become. But in a unique environment where nothing is comfortable, I have really been able to fight for the confidence to see who I am. I have confidence because I have become as successful as I am in a place I probably shouldn't be successful. I am slowly becoming more social and now that I am hitting my mature mark, I can stop thinking less of myself and more of other people.

On another note, it is wonderful to be married. I feel like it's so much easier to move forward and I love having a husband who balances me out so well. We have so much fun together and I have noticed such an improvement in my happiness and I don't worry about things nearly as much anymore. I have found time to accomplish things I would like to do outside of work and when I leave work, I'm done. I may have days where I stay a bit longer, but I'm still usually home before my husband is.

I am finally beginning to see that even if things are horrible and situations aren't ideal, you have nothing to worry about as long as you do your best. You can succeed wherever you are. I have so much to be grateful for and I don't always recognize that.

More than a Fairy Tale.

My blog posts are usually about the things I think about that affect my life- things I want people to see the way I do. I usually relish in my aloofness: where I am able to convey some of my most complex thoughts while keeping the details out of the picture- maintaing my treasures close to my heart.

Everything in my life has completely changed though. I don't see or do things the same way anymore. I am still adjusting to this way of life, but I am finally beginning to see things I never saw and I am beginning to feel things I've never felt. For the first time, I want to share with all those who will read the most personal feelings I have and be apart of the happiness and anguish I go through. I realize people read my blog for any of the following reasons

- You respect and love me and and you appreciate what I have to say and want to be a part of my life
- You are curious or nosy and don't know me very much but you obviously respect what I say
- We may be acquaintances, but you care about me enough to read something so long and thought-out that I would write
- You can't stand me and you are looking for ways to bask in my failures and tear me apart.

(I highly doubt the last one, but we'll keep it there for an option). In any of these cases except the last, I realize you want to be a part of my life and there is something I can say that is worth saying.

So yes, I am engaged. Yes, I am going to be getting married :). Yes, I love this man with all of my heart. Most of you are not familiar with my fiancé and the news is shocking because it sounds like it it out of the blue for a lot of people who do not live here in Memphis, but I am hoping through this blog you will learn why I love him so much.

J.T. is the complete opposite of me in so many ways: he is very calm and relaxed, he is hilarious, he enjoys simple things, he loves to hunt and fish, he loves to wear comfortable clothes all the time, and he always searches for adventures. If anyone knows me, I am naturally a workaholic and I am very attracted to complex things. I over-extend myself because I want things to be done as well as they can be. I sometimes get upset at myself because I forget how to laugh or have fun when I am working because I have such this strong obligation to get everything done. I feel myself and everything around me should be perfect. This is why we fit so well together! I do the stressing about everything and he just calms me down and helps me see the purpose of everything around me. He gets me out of my comfort zone to do things I naturally would find boring or said I would never do.

We are taught to be strong-willed and to stand up for what we want. We have learned how to do our own thing while loving someone else. The thing I love about J.T. is he makes it known that he will be happy doing anything as long as it is with me. Even though he loves wearing a hat and comfortable pants, he willingly dresses up and goes to the symphony 2 times in one month because he knows how much it means to me. J.T. is very hot-natured and I am very cold-natured. Though we make compromises, even if he is burning up, he will turn the heat up if he sees I am uncomfortable.

So let me tell you the story:

I met J.T. in February. I had a very long weekend: I was judging for solo and ensemble that weekend, I was just starting my teaching career, I was adjusting to Memphis, and I was trying to heal from some things that had been weighing me down for a while. I was asked to give a talk at my church that weekend. I remember giving my talk and thinking about how that was the worst talk I had ever given. I wanted to just walk out of the chapel and just escape. As I was making my mad dash, this gentleman stopped me to talk to me. He was with his sister and introduced her. He was charming and nice to talk to, but I was still frustrated and I was not seeking romance so I didn't think much of the situation. In fact, I forgot it until J.T. reminded me when we started dating.

He came up again from southern Mississippi towards the end of February, beginning of March for an activity. He stayed an extra week to go on a date with me that weekend. The date was helpful because my initial judgements of J.T. were not completely accurate. The date helped me see a side to him I never saw before. I was so confused that I loved being with him and I loved talking to him, but I wasn't interested in him.

I didn't want to lead him on especially with him living in Mississippi, so I gave him the cold shoulder. He ended up moving up here and my mind was preoccupied with other things. He became very good friends with my roommate so I saw J.T. a lot. With him being over here all the time and assuming I had made my point clear, I began to feel comfortable around him. He kind of felt like my brother- someone who would watch out for me and tease me but still keep our distance. I left for the summer to visit Nashville, Indiana, and Colorado. While I was in Nashville, I was able to meet up with J.T. because he was there for a training. I haven't told him this yet, but I went with my friend and I was thinking the two of them might hit it off. I know that I personally had a lot of fun because that is where my heart is. I love Nashville and I want everyone to love it. We showed him around and I finally felt someone would be able to give me pieces of Nashville in Memphis.

After that, we ended up talking a lot over the summer. I realized how judgmental I was and how I hadn't really taken the time to get to know him. I wasn't romantically interested in him, but I was drawing closer to him and was looking forward to spending time with him and my roommate especially since the two of them had gotten so close too.

So once we both ended up coming back, I made dinner for my roommates and invited him (safe because we weren't alone, right?) Well, we were going to go to an activity together later and he got out of work a little late. So, my roommates left and I waited for him to show up so he could have dinner. So he showed up and we ate and we talked and decided to watch a movie. We ended up holding hands and I remember being so shocked. I didn't see this coming, but I was excited about it! And my friend Betsie knows I usually am not a big hand holder.

Well, even though I was scared because we were sooooooooooooo different, I realized I was happy and I wanted to go for it. But, I kept going forward with fears and questions. I also had something else pop up that would not allow for me to give my full attention to him. So thinking it would be permanent, I decided to hold things off and end things. This was a hard decision because he made me feel so loved and so special and so important. He was doing nothing wrong- he was actually doing everything perfect, which is what scared me. It seemed too good to be true. He told me he would step back unless I told him otherwise.

He was determined to not being pushed away though. I had a responsibility that was really weighing me down. After one of my long rehearsals, I received a text from him: "I bet you are really tired right now. I'm just thinking of you, let me know if there's anything I can do." That meant the world to me because I was exhausted and I was tired of being responsible for things. Somebody remembered me and understood the feelings I was having without voicing them. The only thing I wanted was a hug so I just asked him to give me a hug the next time I saw him. Well, later that evening, he drives over to my house with his roommate just to give me a hug. He sits down on the couch to talk to me. He gets me smiling and laughing and forgetting the seriousness of my situation. He gave me the best hug that I've ever had because I was needing that more than anything. It was an embrace of: I understand, I care about you, and I am not going anywhere. I want you happy and this is my way of giving you happiness.

From that moment, I realized that even though I was worried about how things would work out with us being so different, it didn't matter because I could not deny how happy I was when I was with him. Since that day, the only time we have been apart has been when I went out of town for Christmas and a day or two here and there where he got off work so late we couldn't see one another. I get sick of people so easily and all I want to do is be with J.T. I am a workaholic and suddenly, I don't want to work because all I want to do is be with him.

When I was a kid, I used to ask my parents how they knew when it was the right person you were going to marry. For me, it's always wanting to be with someone. You know you want to marry them when you can act however you want in front of them and they see those weaknesses, but love them because they are a part of you. You know you want to marry them when their happiness means so much more than yours. You know you want to marry them when you can't imagine life without them and you want to have all those blessings with that one person. It's a hard decision to make and it doesn't always feel like the movies, but the joys and happinesses that come- especially when you do the things you are supposed to be doing, make you feel so much happier than you ever imagined.

Because I love spending time with J.T. every free second I have, I haven't been very good at keeping in touch with people. But, I wanted you to be able to know that I am genuinely happy. And though you may say: hmmm that doesn't seem like his/her type, I can assure you we are most definitely each other's type. :)

What I learned when I turned 23

When I was a child, I used to look to people in their twenties and see them as so old, so beautiful, and so mature. As I hit another mile marker in those twenties, I realize that while some of my schemas from childhood are accurate, very few of them are. Everything changes when you get older and the battle of holding onto your childhood ambitions and changing into the person you should and would like to become sometimes becomes extremely overwhelming.

I believed that once I overcame my Freshman year of college, I would be a responsible adult and I would have my life put together. In many cases, this is correct, but in most cases- especially emotionally- this is not anywhere near accurate. The thing I have learned in life is that the challenges you struggle with when you were a child do not dissipate when you move somewhere else and become surrounded by people who love you for who you are. You find a way of dealing with those challenges a level at a time for the rest of your life. At every phase of your life, you see struggles and frustrations with who you are and just wish you could be a better person.

As a child, I used to look to people who did not get excited about their birthdays and think they were fuddy duddies. In many instances, they can be, but seeing as I wasn’t as excited about my birthday this year, I began to contemplate why this was the case.

When you are a child, you are able to see the beauty in the world. An airplane that jets across the sky is one of the most exhilarating experiences because you have not yet learned to focus on the more important noises. As a child, when you hear your family eating downstairs and laughing together, you want to JUMP out of bed and spend times with them. As a child, you are not worried about how much people care about you are how well people treat you: you just know what you want and you are able to, at least some point, forgive people because you can’t really see all of the bad in them.

As we gain more experience, understand evil a little bit more, and develop knowledge, many of these child-like attributes become lost and are replaced with self-criticizing and self-destructive thoughts and acts.

Maturing and becoming the responsible adult I should become is a struggle because maintaining these attributes are very difficult- especially when it seems as though there are so many expectations of what a successful and responsible adult should be like.

However, the one thing I have learned that I didn’t know as a child, came to my understanding this morning. I realized that as we become older, we focus more on ourselves. A lot of our happiness and joy leaves. We get burned out at work, we enter into depression, we put the blame on everyone else, and we feel so lonely. It is a vicious cycle. We no longer have the urges to jump out of bed and to see the things around us.

“What can I do to have this back again?“ I pleaded with myself. I recognized that what we can do is wake up each morning for someone else. There is no need to worry about how well we accomplish something. There is no need to fear how what we say affects someone else. When we wake up thinking of how we can touch another individual, when we think about how what we do can improve the quality of someone else’s life, we have a greater desire to jump out of bed- not for ourselves, but for someone else.

I recognize that as a child, I didn’t understand that many of those people who were older than me who didn’t get excited for their birthday were oftentimes humble, beautiful people who truly understood that joy does not come from focusing on themselves. The greatest happiness comes from getting to know other people and genuinely love and serve them.

So today as the first day of a new year of my life, I would like to celebrate this change and development in my life. A shift of focus from myself to you. A change from self-consciousness to a you-consiousness. I would love to develop a greater since of confidence, enthusiasm, and hope. I would like to abandon all of my fears and open up to people so I can grow closer to them.

J Life is so wonderful. I am so grateful for another day and another year to live. 

Whatever You Do, Don't Look Down!

I went on a hike with one of my very good friends. Occasionally, he would stop and tell me that he was trying to work on not just going to the destination, but stopping along the way to enjoy the journey. Every time we stopped, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful everything around me was. We went to the top where we could see the continental divide and you could hear the rush of the water with no other sounds. You could see for miles upon miles. I was amazed with how beautiful everything was. Towards the end, I was becoming a bit exhausted with all the steep climbing we were doing. As I was thinking about my exhaustion, I noticed that I had been concentrating so hard on what I was doing, I had not been enjoying the experience as much while I was walking- I liked it more as I stopped. The previous hours were evidence that I was going much slower than my friend, but it finally hit me why I was going so much slower. My realization provided to me a visual representation of what I have been trying to work on lately:

Going up the mountain, I was slow and methodical to make sure I would not slip and fall. I needed to know where every rock was, where I should put my foot, how I should balance myself, and where I should put my hand. Though I was not constantly thinking "What if I fall?!," the entire time, I was constantly thinking about what I should be doing so I would not fall. Though I am sure much of that comes from how infrequently I have the opportunity to hike terrain like that, I realized that I did NOT have to look down the entire time. I talked with my friend a lot, but I did not look at him as frequently as I would have liked. 

Going down the mountain, I was so afraid about rolling down the mountain, I was using way more work than I needed. That is usually the enjoyable part, but instead I was constantly worrying about slipping. I realized that even if I did slip, I would laugh about it and move on. The fear OF falling made it so my experience was a little bit with-held.

Though is seems contradictory, our lives become so much more difficult when we over-think what we are doing. We slow ourselves down by making sure each step is perfect. It is as we learn to trust ourselves and God that we realize we are able to climb these boulders and we are able to know where to put our feet.

Perfectionism can be a horrible creature. It can be wonderful to motivate us to never stop trying and to remind us of who we have the potential to be: but it blinds us from the beauties that surround us right now. 

I am determined to take the courage to fall a little more often so that I can get everything out of this experience that I need to get out of this experience. We don't want to fill our lives with stupid mistakes that can be prevented; however, we should take courage in each step and not become so consumed in the dirt and the rocks when we have all this majesty around us.

New Beginnings

I personally am excited that everyone believes this could be the last year that we are living because it gives us the opportunity to think: If this really is my last year of living, how would I like to live it?

We have commenced a new year thus we are filled with anticipation and excitement to start over again, to look at what we have done wrong and to try and start anew. It brings me so much enthusiasm and excitement as I look around and see so many people who are truly excited and motivated. However, it saddens me when the enthusiasm dies out.

As I have been thinking about this concept of new beginnings, I began to have a small epiphany. It began with the thought of: What if we could have this motivation to change every day so that we do not give up in the middle of the year. I then recognized: I bet more people are contemplating what is most important to them this year because this has been the long and anticipated 2012! Really though, we have no idea when our last breath will be. We have no idea who the last person we talk to will be. We have no idea what will be the last words out of our mouth or the last thought we will think. We will have no idea if we will leave a legacy and touch other people after our death.

What if we were to wake up every day and set a goal just for that day as though it was the first day of the new year: setting goals for what we would accomplish THAT day. What if we were to sit and think about the legacy we would like to leave behind and what value we have with our name. I don't think we completely recognize the significance of how important it is that we have one more breath and one more day to live.

We have heard the song and the concept to live like you were dying, but instead I challenge you to consider to see each day as new years: to look at the past and appreciate it, but to make goals and work to become who you want to become. To live each day finding the joy and beauty because you are you.

What I wish I had the guts to say to single adults

Just because you are attracted to someone doesn't mean you are compatible with someone: they may fit every single requirement on your list or amaze you with something they do- which SHOULD be the case- but that does not necessarily mean that the two of you would work together. Infatuation blinds us as to what we actually want and what the other person is actually able to give us. A relationship works when BOTH people are reaching on their toes to constantly catch up with the other person. If someone, person A, only likes to sit and wait for things to happen and goes after person B who day in and day out is actively seeking opportunities, they must recognize that won't work out unless person A changes some of his/her attributes. Person A may be very attracted to person B because person A admires the way person B is living his/her life and person A may constantly receive everything desired from interactions, but person A needs to recognize they cannot meet all the needs of person B because he/she has spent so much time working his/herself  and therefore they are on different levels.

A lot of people don't recognize the types of things that contribute to compatibility: The ability to make one another laugh, the ability to openly talk about problems, the ability to spend time with one another and constantly want to be in the presence of each other, the ability to have conversations and not feel one is higher or lower than another, the ability to feel natural and calm around one another without having to try.

I believe that while attraction may not be able to be controlled, who we decide to like and pursue can be. I don't want to be a fresh piece of meat to men who haven't seen anything like me before and they want me. I want to be honored and respected and given the time to have the men get to know me to see if we are compatible and if things will work out between BOTH of us. I want the man to feel and understand how much I adore him and care about him and allow him to give me the chance to honor him. But I also need that he shows me that he cares about me by trying to understand me and be there for me in the ways that I need.

I do not get upset at men for liking me when we are not compatible, but I do get upset at the way men treat me when I am not interested in them. I admit that women can be petty- but if people take the time to know me, they should recognize that my heart is so sensitive, there are few people I trust with it. I believe in eternity and physical relations and emotional contact I have is always based on how I feel it will impact me for eternity.

I believe men and women can change and that even though there may be two people who are not compatible at the given moment, there is such a thing as repentance- a change of heart- where one or both the people can change and develop more into better people. That is why I hate this stupid concept of the friend-zone. The friend zone either exists because people are on different levels or they are extremely incompatible. For some reason, I feel this would be the case between Jackie Chan and Martha Stewart: Even if Jackie Chan liked her and claimed he loved her, do you think it would ever work out?

But the one thing I really wish I could say is that because you like someone who may not be compatible with you, it is not the end of the world. You should take this as a victory and recognize that you don't have to spend your time arguing and bickering because the two of you don't see things the way and dragging things out in the hopes you can make them work. If you just for some reason cannot get over the other individual and keep getting rejected and you feel that person makes you better, then figure out what YOU need to do to meet that other individual's needs. Learn to be patient and not only seek for the things that you want, but to learn and accept the things that the other individual wants.

This earth is made of love and of companionship- not lust and selfishness. So please, do not take it personal if someone does not return the romantic feelings you have and still wants to have you as a part of their lives. Leave if you must, but don't be angry...

I am Brianne

On a rare occasion, I will meet a person who is able to understand what in the world I am trying to say in the midst of all of my rambling and inarticulateness. The things that escape my mouth are not a good depiction of what I am thinking or what goes on inside of me. While this statement may not give me enough credit because I have an easy enough time making friends, helping people, and giving speeches; oftentimes there are not words to communicate the workings of my complexities. Somehow, however, I am able to express myself so much through music. I also love to watch how people who speak two different languages communicate without a common language. Because of this, I have been tempted to declare that language is not most requisite for us as humans to communicate: instead it is through our actions and our body language. Although, I have come to think upon this and I have realized that while a person's actions are most important to me in my own life, words are the only thing we have to try and interpret the workings within us and to understand the language of another without misinterpreting them. Therefore, I will use language and words to the best of my ability to try and interpret the things of my heart. According to my best friend, the things that I hold close to my heart and the way that I deal with my life stays within my grasp and my control- hardly allowing even those who are closest to me to access this. While I will keep the personal details to myself, I feel it is time to explain who I am so my words may help you interpret and understand my actions since those are the only things you have to base your current judgments of me.

I tend to point my weaknesses out before my strengths not necessarily because I am self-conscious and constantly compare myself to those around me, but because I try to recognize the things I can learn from every situation. Yes, I recognize that we must take victory of the things we have accomplished and to not be too hard on ourselves, I agree. However, as an adult, you smirk at the five-year-old who thinks he knows everything and is constantly making mistakes all along the way; versus the teachable five-year-old who constantly looks to those older than him to aspire to. When we think we are good at something or we know something, we limit ourselves from what we can still learn.

Along with this, I feel you should never accuse someone of what they did that was incorrect or call them out on what they did to make your life miserable. To many, this comes across as beating around the bush. There is a very fine line though. While I believe you should be completely honest with others, another individual may be doing the best he/she can at that particular time and moment. Your accusations can demean their efforts and what they are going through. No, our purpose in life is not to try and avoid offending people; however, there are appropriate ways to deal with these issues. For example, I will always talk about myself because that is the only perspective I understand. I have a very difficult time telling someone: "you don't like me anymore because you haven't called me in five months." I may be feeling that way because of their actions, and I may have the desire to tell that to them, but rather than getting angry, I first have to recognize that I didn't do anything to contact the individual either and that along with that,  I am thinking only about my needs. I don't know why they did that and so by just simply reaching out and doing your part to talk to them and asking them why they haven't talked to you, if you need to know, places them in a situation where they can trust you and talk to you, rather than becoming defensive and feeling like they have to justify their every action. I believe in honesty and if you have hurt me, I will let you know- it may not be as piercing and demanding as you want it to be, but I will still give you the opportunity to provide an explanation or take responsibility for your actions- just as I hope all people will do for me.

In fact, I feel more uncomfortable around people who will never tell me anything I am doing wrong or never talk to me about things that I can do to make them happier. I want to be the best person that I can be and I want to do the most that I can to help other people. I am not perfect and so whether I want to or not, i'm going to offend or do something to hurt someone else. If I am never approached, I am constantly walking of eggshells wondering if I have done something to offend the other person. If I do something wrong, I want to know how to correct it. I am not afraid of pain, what hurts most is when I could have learned from something I did and instead constantly repeat that mistake, affecting someone else- even if it's something small. My sister and I tease that the best friends are jerk friends: they are the ones who are able to tell you the things you don't want to hear because you need to hear them. They do things to tease you because a certain level of teasing increases friendships and brings bonds together- when done in an uplifting way. However if teasing tears an individual apart and points our their insecurities and flaws, you are tearing your friendship apart.

I think everyone has a desire to be understood. I don't believe anyone truly wants to be alone in this world. There are people like myself who are extremely independent or there are people who have gone through difficult times where they convince themselves they don't need anyone else, but I honestly believe deep down, everyone has a difficult time being alone. Yes, some are much more social than others, but my point still remains. If we spend so much of our time reading information in books and doing things that benefit ourselves,  we are neglecting the person right next to us who can use the information we know about. We place a price and an expectation on the things we know and that we do to assist other people. There have been times in my life where I had to turn my phone off for a few weeks and tell people not to talk to me because I myself was so depleted I could not help anyone else. But when we are able to see the world clearly enough to recognize those who can use our assistance, and are able, that is when true joy comes. Assisting others usually includes listening to them and helping them feel like they are a unique individual. Philosophy, Psychology, sciences, mathematics, and all the wonderful things we study help us understand one another and improve ourselves as humans- but they are not the most important part of life. Without relationships, we would be nothing. Without relationships we would find no sense in joy, peace, comfort, motivation, inspiration, etc. The things that we would do would become void. Men have lived on the streets and made an impact on the world be the people they meet. The more we understand other people, the more we have a broader view on life and add to our perspectives. I feel like so often we have an idea in our head of what we want and we wait for that in conversations when we talk to people. When we associate with those around us, I feel it is our duty to understand them and genuinely accept them as the individual they are- not in a superficial and "I care this much about everyone so you're not any different" way.

The one exception I have is when I have to mold myself to someone else. We cannot plan who that person will be or what exactly they will be like- but we do know the things that we individually need in our lives. On my own, I could care less if someone has different religious, political, cultural, educational and moral views. We are all placed here on this earth without former knowledge of what happened before we came here other than what others have proclaimed to be truth that others have added to this. We all must decide for ourselves what we believe to be the best choice in life and to stick with that. I personally have experimented and believe in religion. The concept of understanding the language of the spirit is not foreign to me because it is not an emotion, but rather a peace that comes to my prayers and a thought distinct from all my other thoughts. I have atheist friends, Buddhist friends, friends who have been to jail, friends who do things I would never do, friends who are better people than I am. However, I am able to disconnect myself from these people while still having a closeness with them and genuinely caring about them to a small form of love. But when I need to start shaping who I am with someone else, these things have to fit together. Religion is such a major part of my life, I would expect someone to share that enthusiasm with me and encourage me to be CONSTANTLY be better.  If I am having a bad day and have a friend who isn't empathetic or doesn't like to give me hugs, I can isolate myself and improve my mood until I become better. When you are with someone, the two of you shape together until you become one. Does this mean you expect the other person to do something? If the two of you are compatible, then the way they treat you is exactly what you are needing and vise versa. If you are craving to have a really good discussion and your companion gets bored and never wants to talk, you will feel frustrated. This is why many people in the past have gotten frustrated with me is because while I am not necessarily happy being alone, I do not want to sacrifice the heart ache of getting into a relationship if I feel we are completely incompatible and we have not first established a friendship demonstrating that all the pieces are there.

I enjoy simplicity. While there is nothing greater than a stimulating conversation and learning about ancient philosophy or analyzing a piece of music, there is nothing more brilliant to me than holding my nephew and having him smile at me. My favorite moments have been in the arms of those I have cared most about, not saying or doing anything. My favorite compositions are filled with the simple melodies that touch your heart that you can hum and remember forever. Some of my favorite singers have the most unrecognizable appearances. Many of my friends are the gems that other people overlook.

The most important thing for me to understand is why, or better interpreted: "what is the meaning?". If there is not a purpose or a point to something- if it will not help me along my journey in life after studying the subject-  I will usually tend to zone out or disregard the information. While we can never know what our future will hold, we must constantly understand our goals and our own purposes so that everything we do and everything we accomplish has a point to something far more meaningful. If we just sit back and let life take us where it wants, we may wake up and find ourselves distant from something we recognize we want to have. There are some things in our lives that do not matter where our lives take us, but I personally want to know what I want to get out  of my life. There is a sweetness in waking up in the morning and being excited to go forward and work towards something. Yes, we will fall and hurt ourselves, but it is this vision and enthusiasm that makes it that when we fall down we keep getting up and moving one step at a time. But to me, there has to be a purpose behind everything. You can ask me "why?" to anything. I may ask you to allow me to go home and put words together for it, but that is the most important question to me. If I don't understand the why to anything, it seems pointless and I will feel unsettled until I understand.

People sometimes feel uncomfortable when I do not say a lot, but because I only use language to communicate what my actions cannot, I do not believe in having pointless conversations or saying something just to fill the silence. I have no problem with silence and when I say something, I want it  to mean something. Everything I do means something. The key to understanding me is understanding why I do the things I do and what those actions means. The biggest way people misinterpret my actions and misunderstand me is when they overlook how such small actions have such a huge impact and meaning. For example, if I am the one who initiates a hug, it means I care a lot about you and/or I am excited to see you. If I touch you in ANY way, it has a meaning and I am trying to communicate that with you. If I avoid eye contact or physical contact, it usually means I don't feel comfortable.

Along with this, people believe when I am in a new situation or environment I am uncomfortable because I don't just jump right in and I'm quiet. However, I love looking around and observing before I jump into anything. I love looking for the things and people that usually go unnoticed because that is where most of the time is generally worth investing time is. I believe everybody puts some form of a mask on to hide something deep in them that most people cannot accept. I like to sit and discover what masks are on and who people really are before I just "hop in."

I have a very difficult time coming up with ideas and making decisions because 98% of the time, I could care less. I eat practically every food, I get entertained easily, and I watch everything from Romances to Action movies. I have recognized that other people want me to choose, but by their physical demeanor, get irritated when it's not what they want. These people will never admit though, because they think they are making a sacrifice because it is what I want. The irony is that their sacrifice is in vain because they demanded me to make a choice and so I just chose randomly. It seems silly for me to make a decision, when I don't care, when other people clearly have preferences and I don't. When there is something I really prefer, I will make it known. Lately, however, I have become more fond to certain colors over other colors- which is a big change for me.

Most people probably don't care enough to read this entire thing, and if you have, thank you! I recognize that I have held things to my heart: I have no problem listening to other people and having them share things about themselves, but I don't usually do the same. I recognize I am a very complex person and because of this, I don't expect many people to understand me- but if you ever want to, this is a good road map. If you have read it this far, perhaps it would also help you to do something similar so that I can understand you as well.