I am Brianne

On a rare occasion, I will meet a person who is able to understand what in the world I am trying to say in the midst of all of my rambling and inarticulateness. The things that escape my mouth are not a good depiction of what I am thinking or what goes on inside of me. While this statement may not give me enough credit because I have an easy enough time making friends, helping people, and giving speeches; oftentimes there are not words to communicate the workings of my complexities. Somehow, however, I am able to express myself so much through music. I also love to watch how people who speak two different languages communicate without a common language. Because of this, I have been tempted to declare that language is not most requisite for us as humans to communicate: instead it is through our actions and our body language. Although, I have come to think upon this and I have realized that while a person's actions are most important to me in my own life, words are the only thing we have to try and interpret the workings within us and to understand the language of another without misinterpreting them. Therefore, I will use language and words to the best of my ability to try and interpret the things of my heart. According to my best friend, the things that I hold close to my heart and the way that I deal with my life stays within my grasp and my control- hardly allowing even those who are closest to me to access this. While I will keep the personal details to myself, I feel it is time to explain who I am so my words may help you interpret and understand my actions since those are the only things you have to base your current judgments of me.

I tend to point my weaknesses out before my strengths not necessarily because I am self-conscious and constantly compare myself to those around me, but because I try to recognize the things I can learn from every situation. Yes, I recognize that we must take victory of the things we have accomplished and to not be too hard on ourselves, I agree. However, as an adult, you smirk at the five-year-old who thinks he knows everything and is constantly making mistakes all along the way; versus the teachable five-year-old who constantly looks to those older than him to aspire to. When we think we are good at something or we know something, we limit ourselves from what we can still learn.

Along with this, I feel you should never accuse someone of what they did that was incorrect or call them out on what they did to make your life miserable. To many, this comes across as beating around the bush. There is a very fine line though. While I believe you should be completely honest with others, another individual may be doing the best he/she can at that particular time and moment. Your accusations can demean their efforts and what they are going through. No, our purpose in life is not to try and avoid offending people; however, there are appropriate ways to deal with these issues. For example, I will always talk about myself because that is the only perspective I understand. I have a very difficult time telling someone: "you don't like me anymore because you haven't called me in five months." I may be feeling that way because of their actions, and I may have the desire to tell that to them, but rather than getting angry, I first have to recognize that I didn't do anything to contact the individual either and that along with that,  I am thinking only about my needs. I don't know why they did that and so by just simply reaching out and doing your part to talk to them and asking them why they haven't talked to you, if you need to know, places them in a situation where they can trust you and talk to you, rather than becoming defensive and feeling like they have to justify their every action. I believe in honesty and if you have hurt me, I will let you know- it may not be as piercing and demanding as you want it to be, but I will still give you the opportunity to provide an explanation or take responsibility for your actions- just as I hope all people will do for me.

In fact, I feel more uncomfortable around people who will never tell me anything I am doing wrong or never talk to me about things that I can do to make them happier. I want to be the best person that I can be and I want to do the most that I can to help other people. I am not perfect and so whether I want to or not, i'm going to offend or do something to hurt someone else. If I am never approached, I am constantly walking of eggshells wondering if I have done something to offend the other person. If I do something wrong, I want to know how to correct it. I am not afraid of pain, what hurts most is when I could have learned from something I did and instead constantly repeat that mistake, affecting someone else- even if it's something small. My sister and I tease that the best friends are jerk friends: they are the ones who are able to tell you the things you don't want to hear because you need to hear them. They do things to tease you because a certain level of teasing increases friendships and brings bonds together- when done in an uplifting way. However if teasing tears an individual apart and points our their insecurities and flaws, you are tearing your friendship apart.

I think everyone has a desire to be understood. I don't believe anyone truly wants to be alone in this world. There are people like myself who are extremely independent or there are people who have gone through difficult times where they convince themselves they don't need anyone else, but I honestly believe deep down, everyone has a difficult time being alone. Yes, some are much more social than others, but my point still remains. If we spend so much of our time reading information in books and doing things that benefit ourselves,  we are neglecting the person right next to us who can use the information we know about. We place a price and an expectation on the things we know and that we do to assist other people. There have been times in my life where I had to turn my phone off for a few weeks and tell people not to talk to me because I myself was so depleted I could not help anyone else. But when we are able to see the world clearly enough to recognize those who can use our assistance, and are able, that is when true joy comes. Assisting others usually includes listening to them and helping them feel like they are a unique individual. Philosophy, Psychology, sciences, mathematics, and all the wonderful things we study help us understand one another and improve ourselves as humans- but they are not the most important part of life. Without relationships, we would be nothing. Without relationships we would find no sense in joy, peace, comfort, motivation, inspiration, etc. The things that we would do would become void. Men have lived on the streets and made an impact on the world be the people they meet. The more we understand other people, the more we have a broader view on life and add to our perspectives. I feel like so often we have an idea in our head of what we want and we wait for that in conversations when we talk to people. When we associate with those around us, I feel it is our duty to understand them and genuinely accept them as the individual they are- not in a superficial and "I care this much about everyone so you're not any different" way.

The one exception I have is when I have to mold myself to someone else. We cannot plan who that person will be or what exactly they will be like- but we do know the things that we individually need in our lives. On my own, I could care less if someone has different religious, political, cultural, educational and moral views. We are all placed here on this earth without former knowledge of what happened before we came here other than what others have proclaimed to be truth that others have added to this. We all must decide for ourselves what we believe to be the best choice in life and to stick with that. I personally have experimented and believe in religion. The concept of understanding the language of the spirit is not foreign to me because it is not an emotion, but rather a peace that comes to my prayers and a thought distinct from all my other thoughts. I have atheist friends, Buddhist friends, friends who have been to jail, friends who do things I would never do, friends who are better people than I am. However, I am able to disconnect myself from these people while still having a closeness with them and genuinely caring about them to a small form of love. But when I need to start shaping who I am with someone else, these things have to fit together. Religion is such a major part of my life, I would expect someone to share that enthusiasm with me and encourage me to be CONSTANTLY be better.  If I am having a bad day and have a friend who isn't empathetic or doesn't like to give me hugs, I can isolate myself and improve my mood until I become better. When you are with someone, the two of you shape together until you become one. Does this mean you expect the other person to do something? If the two of you are compatible, then the way they treat you is exactly what you are needing and vise versa. If you are craving to have a really good discussion and your companion gets bored and never wants to talk, you will feel frustrated. This is why many people in the past have gotten frustrated with me is because while I am not necessarily happy being alone, I do not want to sacrifice the heart ache of getting into a relationship if I feel we are completely incompatible and we have not first established a friendship demonstrating that all the pieces are there.

I enjoy simplicity. While there is nothing greater than a stimulating conversation and learning about ancient philosophy or analyzing a piece of music, there is nothing more brilliant to me than holding my nephew and having him smile at me. My favorite moments have been in the arms of those I have cared most about, not saying or doing anything. My favorite compositions are filled with the simple melodies that touch your heart that you can hum and remember forever. Some of my favorite singers have the most unrecognizable appearances. Many of my friends are the gems that other people overlook.

The most important thing for me to understand is why, or better interpreted: "what is the meaning?". If there is not a purpose or a point to something- if it will not help me along my journey in life after studying the subject-  I will usually tend to zone out or disregard the information. While we can never know what our future will hold, we must constantly understand our goals and our own purposes so that everything we do and everything we accomplish has a point to something far more meaningful. If we just sit back and let life take us where it wants, we may wake up and find ourselves distant from something we recognize we want to have. There are some things in our lives that do not matter where our lives take us, but I personally want to know what I want to get out  of my life. There is a sweetness in waking up in the morning and being excited to go forward and work towards something. Yes, we will fall and hurt ourselves, but it is this vision and enthusiasm that makes it that when we fall down we keep getting up and moving one step at a time. But to me, there has to be a purpose behind everything. You can ask me "why?" to anything. I may ask you to allow me to go home and put words together for it, but that is the most important question to me. If I don't understand the why to anything, it seems pointless and I will feel unsettled until I understand.

People sometimes feel uncomfortable when I do not say a lot, but because I only use language to communicate what my actions cannot, I do not believe in having pointless conversations or saying something just to fill the silence. I have no problem with silence and when I say something, I want it  to mean something. Everything I do means something. The key to understanding me is understanding why I do the things I do and what those actions means. The biggest way people misinterpret my actions and misunderstand me is when they overlook how such small actions have such a huge impact and meaning. For example, if I am the one who initiates a hug, it means I care a lot about you and/or I am excited to see you. If I touch you in ANY way, it has a meaning and I am trying to communicate that with you. If I avoid eye contact or physical contact, it usually means I don't feel comfortable.

Along with this, people believe when I am in a new situation or environment I am uncomfortable because I don't just jump right in and I'm quiet. However, I love looking around and observing before I jump into anything. I love looking for the things and people that usually go unnoticed because that is where most of the time is generally worth investing time is. I believe everybody puts some form of a mask on to hide something deep in them that most people cannot accept. I like to sit and discover what masks are on and who people really are before I just "hop in."

I have a very difficult time coming up with ideas and making decisions because 98% of the time, I could care less. I eat practically every food, I get entertained easily, and I watch everything from Romances to Action movies. I have recognized that other people want me to choose, but by their physical demeanor, get irritated when it's not what they want. These people will never admit though, because they think they are making a sacrifice because it is what I want. The irony is that their sacrifice is in vain because they demanded me to make a choice and so I just chose randomly. It seems silly for me to make a decision, when I don't care, when other people clearly have preferences and I don't. When there is something I really prefer, I will make it known. Lately, however, I have become more fond to certain colors over other colors- which is a big change for me.

Most people probably don't care enough to read this entire thing, and if you have, thank you! I recognize that I have held things to my heart: I have no problem listening to other people and having them share things about themselves, but I don't usually do the same. I recognize I am a very complex person and because of this, I don't expect many people to understand me- but if you ever want to, this is a good road map. If you have read it this far, perhaps it would also help you to do something similar so that I can understand you as well.