More than a Fairy Tale.

My blog posts are usually about the things I think about that affect my life- things I want people to see the way I do. I usually relish in my aloofness: where I am able to convey some of my most complex thoughts while keeping the details out of the picture- maintaing my treasures close to my heart.

Everything in my life has completely changed though. I don't see or do things the same way anymore. I am still adjusting to this way of life, but I am finally beginning to see things I never saw and I am beginning to feel things I've never felt. For the first time, I want to share with all those who will read the most personal feelings I have and be apart of the happiness and anguish I go through. I realize people read my blog for any of the following reasons

- You respect and love me and and you appreciate what I have to say and want to be a part of my life
- You are curious or nosy and don't know me very much but you obviously respect what I say
- We may be acquaintances, but you care about me enough to read something so long and thought-out that I would write
- You can't stand me and you are looking for ways to bask in my failures and tear me apart.

(I highly doubt the last one, but we'll keep it there for an option). In any of these cases except the last, I realize you want to be a part of my life and there is something I can say that is worth saying.

So yes, I am engaged. Yes, I am going to be getting married :). Yes, I love this man with all of my heart. Most of you are not familiar with my fiancé and the news is shocking because it sounds like it it out of the blue for a lot of people who do not live here in Memphis, but I am hoping through this blog you will learn why I love him so much.

J.T. is the complete opposite of me in so many ways: he is very calm and relaxed, he is hilarious, he enjoys simple things, he loves to hunt and fish, he loves to wear comfortable clothes all the time, and he always searches for adventures. If anyone knows me, I am naturally a workaholic and I am very attracted to complex things. I over-extend myself because I want things to be done as well as they can be. I sometimes get upset at myself because I forget how to laugh or have fun when I am working because I have such this strong obligation to get everything done. I feel myself and everything around me should be perfect. This is why we fit so well together! I do the stressing about everything and he just calms me down and helps me see the purpose of everything around me. He gets me out of my comfort zone to do things I naturally would find boring or said I would never do.

We are taught to be strong-willed and to stand up for what we want. We have learned how to do our own thing while loving someone else. The thing I love about J.T. is he makes it known that he will be happy doing anything as long as it is with me. Even though he loves wearing a hat and comfortable pants, he willingly dresses up and goes to the symphony 2 times in one month because he knows how much it means to me. J.T. is very hot-natured and I am very cold-natured. Though we make compromises, even if he is burning up, he will turn the heat up if he sees I am uncomfortable.

So let me tell you the story:

I met J.T. in February. I had a very long weekend: I was judging for solo and ensemble that weekend, I was just starting my teaching career, I was adjusting to Memphis, and I was trying to heal from some things that had been weighing me down for a while. I was asked to give a talk at my church that weekend. I remember giving my talk and thinking about how that was the worst talk I had ever given. I wanted to just walk out of the chapel and just escape. As I was making my mad dash, this gentleman stopped me to talk to me. He was with his sister and introduced her. He was charming and nice to talk to, but I was still frustrated and I was not seeking romance so I didn't think much of the situation. In fact, I forgot it until J.T. reminded me when we started dating.

He came up again from southern Mississippi towards the end of February, beginning of March for an activity. He stayed an extra week to go on a date with me that weekend. The date was helpful because my initial judgements of J.T. were not completely accurate. The date helped me see a side to him I never saw before. I was so confused that I loved being with him and I loved talking to him, but I wasn't interested in him.

I didn't want to lead him on especially with him living in Mississippi, so I gave him the cold shoulder. He ended up moving up here and my mind was preoccupied with other things. He became very good friends with my roommate so I saw J.T. a lot. With him being over here all the time and assuming I had made my point clear, I began to feel comfortable around him. He kind of felt like my brother- someone who would watch out for me and tease me but still keep our distance. I left for the summer to visit Nashville, Indiana, and Colorado. While I was in Nashville, I was able to meet up with J.T. because he was there for a training. I haven't told him this yet, but I went with my friend and I was thinking the two of them might hit it off. I know that I personally had a lot of fun because that is where my heart is. I love Nashville and I want everyone to love it. We showed him around and I finally felt someone would be able to give me pieces of Nashville in Memphis.

After that, we ended up talking a lot over the summer. I realized how judgmental I was and how I hadn't really taken the time to get to know him. I wasn't romantically interested in him, but I was drawing closer to him and was looking forward to spending time with him and my roommate especially since the two of them had gotten so close too.

So once we both ended up coming back, I made dinner for my roommates and invited him (safe because we weren't alone, right?) Well, we were going to go to an activity together later and he got out of work a little late. So, my roommates left and I waited for him to show up so he could have dinner. So he showed up and we ate and we talked and decided to watch a movie. We ended up holding hands and I remember being so shocked. I didn't see this coming, but I was excited about it! And my friend Betsie knows I usually am not a big hand holder.

Well, even though I was scared because we were sooooooooooooo different, I realized I was happy and I wanted to go for it. But, I kept going forward with fears and questions. I also had something else pop up that would not allow for me to give my full attention to him. So thinking it would be permanent, I decided to hold things off and end things. This was a hard decision because he made me feel so loved and so special and so important. He was doing nothing wrong- he was actually doing everything perfect, which is what scared me. It seemed too good to be true. He told me he would step back unless I told him otherwise.

He was determined to not being pushed away though. I had a responsibility that was really weighing me down. After one of my long rehearsals, I received a text from him: "I bet you are really tired right now. I'm just thinking of you, let me know if there's anything I can do." That meant the world to me because I was exhausted and I was tired of being responsible for things. Somebody remembered me and understood the feelings I was having without voicing them. The only thing I wanted was a hug so I just asked him to give me a hug the next time I saw him. Well, later that evening, he drives over to my house with his roommate just to give me a hug. He sits down on the couch to talk to me. He gets me smiling and laughing and forgetting the seriousness of my situation. He gave me the best hug that I've ever had because I was needing that more than anything. It was an embrace of: I understand, I care about you, and I am not going anywhere. I want you happy and this is my way of giving you happiness.

From that moment, I realized that even though I was worried about how things would work out with us being so different, it didn't matter because I could not deny how happy I was when I was with him. Since that day, the only time we have been apart has been when I went out of town for Christmas and a day or two here and there where he got off work so late we couldn't see one another. I get sick of people so easily and all I want to do is be with J.T. I am a workaholic and suddenly, I don't want to work because all I want to do is be with him.

When I was a kid, I used to ask my parents how they knew when it was the right person you were going to marry. For me, it's always wanting to be with someone. You know you want to marry them when you can act however you want in front of them and they see those weaknesses, but love them because they are a part of you. You know you want to marry them when their happiness means so much more than yours. You know you want to marry them when you can't imagine life without them and you want to have all those blessings with that one person. It's a hard decision to make and it doesn't always feel like the movies, but the joys and happinesses that come- especially when you do the things you are supposed to be doing, make you feel so much happier than you ever imagined.

Because I love spending time with J.T. every free second I have, I haven't been very good at keeping in touch with people. But, I wanted you to be able to know that I am genuinely happy. And though you may say: hmmm that doesn't seem like his/her type, I can assure you we are most definitely each other's type. :)