When the end of the year comes and a new year approaches, I frequently sit and contemplate my successes and create goals to achieve my dreams and goals. However, at the close of this year, I realize how much I have to be thankful for this year. This has been a miracle year for me and because I have done so much stretching and growing, I have spent too much of my time focusing on growing pains, when in reality, this has been the best year of my life:
- I was blessed with endowments from on high as I entered into the Holy Temple. My whole life, I read about ancient temples and the prophets that dwelled inside and became so much stronger from the ordinances inside. I remember sitting outside the temple as a kid and looking up at it and waiting until I was old enough and worthy enough to enter the temple. I would listen to hymns that would remind me of my purpose of this earth and how I would return to my Heavenly Father and yearn for the day I could sit in the temple walls and feel of his spirit. Now that I have entered into the temple, my favorite part is sitting in the celestial room and just sitting and feeling. I love the peace and happiness these covenants bring and I never want to forget how beautiful and how sacred these experiences are. I remember what it was like before I made these covenants and my heart still is just so full of happiness.
- I was able to be married in the temple, surrounded by the people who love me the most. Not only did my celebrations and the fun trip we took for our honeymoon exceed my expectations, but the simple, yet extraordinary experience of being married to my husband was by far the most special experience I have had thus far in my life. I have a husband who loves me and cherishes me above all others. He treats my like royalty and makes me laugh and roll my eyes at him every day. He listens to my concerns and puts my needs above him. When I act crazy, he is patient with me and learns what he can do to make me happy. That is what marriage is and I got to learn the joys of marriage this year with the person I love the most, my best friend.
- I was accepted into my husband's family. The stereotypes of in-laws were not true for me. I feel like I have a second set of parents and new brothers and sisters. Every time I go with J.T. back to his home, I feel comfortable and I feel loved. His grandmothers, his aunts and uncles, his cousins, friends and immediate family help me feel loved and accepted. They bring the best out of my husband and they motivate me to love deeper and care about people in a deeper way.
- The principal at the school I loved the most was able to give me a position so I could have a secure job doing what I love the most. At this school, I have a very supportive administration, I have had fellow teachers who have taken me under their wings and given me advice to become a better teacher, I have helped build the program from 15 kids to our now 50 kid program ranging from third grade to eighth grade. But the biggest blessing from this opportunity is the love and the bond I share with these kids. They come in before school and after school just because they love music so much and they want to be a part of this orchestra family we have built. The culture in Memphis, let alone Douglass is so unique from anywhere else that I can't expect anyone else to understand. But when these kids talk to me and hug me, I feel that all my hard work is worth something and I am sharing with them something that means the most to me.
- I was called to be the young women's president of my ward at my church. While this is a big responsibility despite the many obligations I have currently, I have gained a deep love for the youth of my church. I am still learning, but the short time I have been there, I have seen them grow so much already. I love watching them interact with one another because they are such examples to those around them. I see so many of the students I care about at school make wrong choices that lead them down paths of misery and regret; but I regain my hope as I watch these young women make goals and raise the people around them. They perform acts of service, they learn the skills they need to learn to improve themselves, and they reach out to those around them. They are thinking about their future and what they can do to improve. I also learn from their comments and insights in our lessons and just love who they are.
- I am about to celebrate my first Christmas married. There are so many exciting feelings of Christmas. So many new things. I have a husband who spoils me and who has presents wrapped for me already. I have an incredible mom and grandma who got me a whole bunch of gifts and wrapped them to help me still feel loved as this is my first Christmas away from home- and it is really hard. I am so excited to start these new traditions with my new family while I still continue on the traditions I have had from before as I ache for my family and their companionship.
At only 24, I have learned and grown so much. I don't know when I will ever be able to experience this many blessings all in one year again. As I said before, it has been stretching, but I am so blessed and oh so happy.
Monday, December 23, 2013
Friday, August 23, 2013
The Best Decision of my Life.
It was December 19th. Everything previous to that day seemed to catch me in a whirlwind: As a new teacher, I was too proud to admit I was thoroughly struggling. Hopping from one school to the next caught me in a whirlwind of exhaustion and exasperation- not to mention the principal who demanded everything from me when I was at that school the least!
I was frustrated that work was keeping me this occupied because I knew I had some serious things I needed to think about. I could see that things between J.T. and I were progressing and he had hinted at marriage- but intrinsically, marriage scared me and I had become so confident and secure as a single woman. I appreciated that I didn't need anyone to make me happy and that I was confident and successful in every situation (so I thought). I really wanted to sit down and ponder where I was at with J.T, but I would come home from work exhausted and overwhelmed and then I would rush to get things done just to see him.
There was a shooting the week previous. Apparently, that wore on J.T. quite a bit and he became distant and I took it very personal. I become very alarmed and I began to panic: I love this man, we are very different, but communication is so important to me. Can I really be with a man who cannot communicate with me? I knew I needed to talk to J.T. about it, but I needed to wait for the perfect moment.
That opportunity came early that morning. J.T. recognized that I had been needing to talk. We started the conversation at his house and I was honest, afraid that this conversation may end up in us breaking up. I put on the table all of my worries and all of my fears about the relationship. (This is very typical for me to worry about stuff, I worry about everything). What touched me is that he understood me well enough not to be alarmed by my concerns and took responsibility for everything I talked about and said: "I know I struggle with that. I have never had to communicate with you very much before, but I would like to talk with you and tell you anything and everything you'd like to know."He told me to choose a place to go to talk. He suggested the temple since it was next to his house.
So we go to the temple and sit on the bench. The weather was pretty nice outside-especially for December, but the stone bench was cold. Not unusual, J.T. gave me his jacket. Then J.T. began talking to me and opening up to me- which touched me because I knew that was something that was hard for him. Everything I wish he would have been telling me the past couple weeks he finally explained so articulately. I was just amazed at how this man who I judged so much has taught me so much about love. While he talked, I just realized how much worry I have in my life and how I wish I could eliminate it, but how I just love how he adored me so much even despite all of my worrying and my problems. I was beginning not to worry about things anymore. I was almost convinced I didn't need to do anything to earn his love.
J.T. explained elaborately how he wanted to be able to communicate these things to me earlier. He talked about how he loves that we love each other so much, we can both work on thee things to draw closer to each other and he expressed how he wanted to keep doing this with me.
He explained that when he first saw me, he was so intrigued with me and he had to know why. Apparently when he has to fight for someone, he usually gives up and says it should be mutual: but with me, it was different. He just felt so strongly that the opportunity for us was there and that he couldn't give up. And the more he's gotten to know me, the more he knows why I intrigued him. (By this time, I was checking his pocket to check to see if he had a ring because this was seeming like a proposal, but I saw no bulge so I decided to just enjoy the conversation we were having).
He told me that I was beautiful and that he loved how committed to the gospel I am. He said that he love how I was so passionate and try hard at everything I do. He said he wants to be a better person just for knowing me. He explained how he used to not care about forming relationships or getting married, but everything changed when he met me:
Suddenly, he couldn't function without me. He shared things with me he hasn't shared with anyone and the only thing that seemed to matter was taking care of me. He said he couldn't imagine life without me and he always wants to be with me. He said, "Brianne, I want to spend forever with you." He put his hand in his jacket that I was wearing and pulled out a box. I looked at him like, "Is this really happening?!" and he looked at me like: "yes, it is." He opened it and said, "Brianne, will you marry me?"
While I had a feeling it would be coming, I had no idea it was coming this quickly. In my mind I was confused because these past couple of days, I had been so hurt and questioning everything. I've always been petrified of marriage and I didn't know if I was marriage material right now. I was tired of worrying about the future though. All I knew was that I loved J.T. and it touched me that we were both changing to become better people. He felt my heart. He showed me what true love actually was and never gave up on me. He didn't love me despite my weaknesses, he loved me because of them. I realized that love required taking a plunge. I was scared to death. But I wanted to do it, with J.T! (Yes, there was an awkward pause because I was thinking about all of this before I gave my answer).
I kissed him because I couldn't find words with all these thoughts swimming around in my head. "Is that a yes?" He asked. I nodded: "yes, that is a yes."It took hours before it sunk in that I was engaged, but suddenly, I couldn't stop smiling. Those who were able to experience this joy with me helped me immensely and helped me become excited.
I realize that I held a lot of emotions inside while I was dating J.T. because both of us are not the type of people we would usually date. I never knew if we were both just learning something form the relationship or if we would keep progressing- but after having my heart broken before, I put barriers up and expected people to be half-committed in me. I realize that because I did this, people didn't get to see how happy I was with J.T, but people didn't take the time to understand me either. So while it hurt that some of the people I wanted and needed the most to be excited for me and with me weren't, I understand and I still had people who were there for me and were excited with me and were with me every step of the way.
Now that we are married, I am so glad that I said yes. Our difference show every now and then, but I am becoming such a stronger person: I don't worry nearly AS much ;), I have BEGAN to learn how to say things in shorter sentences and be more precise, I finally see my weaknesses that I was able to hide being single and I am finally taking action to work on those, and I continue to fall in love with my husband who spoils me in his own ways.
Yes, things are different when you are dating. But the thing I love about being married is you finally get to see the person for who they are. They get to be comfortable around you and every day is an adventure. Sometimes I still tear up when he packs a lunch for me or even just microwaves a breakfast sandwich. I still have the same weaknesses, but he still loves me and we are learning to become a little bit better every day and increase in charity.
I was frustrated that work was keeping me this occupied because I knew I had some serious things I needed to think about. I could see that things between J.T. and I were progressing and he had hinted at marriage- but intrinsically, marriage scared me and I had become so confident and secure as a single woman. I appreciated that I didn't need anyone to make me happy and that I was confident and successful in every situation (so I thought). I really wanted to sit down and ponder where I was at with J.T, but I would come home from work exhausted and overwhelmed and then I would rush to get things done just to see him.
There was a shooting the week previous. Apparently, that wore on J.T. quite a bit and he became distant and I took it very personal. I become very alarmed and I began to panic: I love this man, we are very different, but communication is so important to me. Can I really be with a man who cannot communicate with me? I knew I needed to talk to J.T. about it, but I needed to wait for the perfect moment.
That opportunity came early that morning. J.T. recognized that I had been needing to talk. We started the conversation at his house and I was honest, afraid that this conversation may end up in us breaking up. I put on the table all of my worries and all of my fears about the relationship. (This is very typical for me to worry about stuff, I worry about everything). What touched me is that he understood me well enough not to be alarmed by my concerns and took responsibility for everything I talked about and said: "I know I struggle with that. I have never had to communicate with you very much before, but I would like to talk with you and tell you anything and everything you'd like to know."He told me to choose a place to go to talk. He suggested the temple since it was next to his house.
So we go to the temple and sit on the bench. The weather was pretty nice outside-especially for December, but the stone bench was cold. Not unusual, J.T. gave me his jacket. Then J.T. began talking to me and opening up to me- which touched me because I knew that was something that was hard for him. Everything I wish he would have been telling me the past couple weeks he finally explained so articulately. I was just amazed at how this man who I judged so much has taught me so much about love. While he talked, I just realized how much worry I have in my life and how I wish I could eliminate it, but how I just love how he adored me so much even despite all of my worrying and my problems. I was beginning not to worry about things anymore. I was almost convinced I didn't need to do anything to earn his love.
J.T. explained elaborately how he wanted to be able to communicate these things to me earlier. He talked about how he loves that we love each other so much, we can both work on thee things to draw closer to each other and he expressed how he wanted to keep doing this with me.
He explained that when he first saw me, he was so intrigued with me and he had to know why. Apparently when he has to fight for someone, he usually gives up and says it should be mutual: but with me, it was different. He just felt so strongly that the opportunity for us was there and that he couldn't give up. And the more he's gotten to know me, the more he knows why I intrigued him. (By this time, I was checking his pocket to check to see if he had a ring because this was seeming like a proposal, but I saw no bulge so I decided to just enjoy the conversation we were having).
He told me that I was beautiful and that he loved how committed to the gospel I am. He said that he love how I was so passionate and try hard at everything I do. He said he wants to be a better person just for knowing me. He explained how he used to not care about forming relationships or getting married, but everything changed when he met me:
Suddenly, he couldn't function without me. He shared things with me he hasn't shared with anyone and the only thing that seemed to matter was taking care of me. He said he couldn't imagine life without me and he always wants to be with me. He said, "Brianne, I want to spend forever with you." He put his hand in his jacket that I was wearing and pulled out a box. I looked at him like, "Is this really happening?!" and he looked at me like: "yes, it is." He opened it and said, "Brianne, will you marry me?"
While I had a feeling it would be coming, I had no idea it was coming this quickly. In my mind I was confused because these past couple of days, I had been so hurt and questioning everything. I've always been petrified of marriage and I didn't know if I was marriage material right now. I was tired of worrying about the future though. All I knew was that I loved J.T. and it touched me that we were both changing to become better people. He felt my heart. He showed me what true love actually was and never gave up on me. He didn't love me despite my weaknesses, he loved me because of them. I realized that love required taking a plunge. I was scared to death. But I wanted to do it, with J.T! (Yes, there was an awkward pause because I was thinking about all of this before I gave my answer).
I kissed him because I couldn't find words with all these thoughts swimming around in my head. "Is that a yes?" He asked. I nodded: "yes, that is a yes."It took hours before it sunk in that I was engaged, but suddenly, I couldn't stop smiling. Those who were able to experience this joy with me helped me immensely and helped me become excited.
I realize that I held a lot of emotions inside while I was dating J.T. because both of us are not the type of people we would usually date. I never knew if we were both just learning something form the relationship or if we would keep progressing- but after having my heart broken before, I put barriers up and expected people to be half-committed in me. I realize that because I did this, people didn't get to see how happy I was with J.T, but people didn't take the time to understand me either. So while it hurt that some of the people I wanted and needed the most to be excited for me and with me weren't, I understand and I still had people who were there for me and were excited with me and were with me every step of the way.
Now that we are married, I am so glad that I said yes. Our difference show every now and then, but I am becoming such a stronger person: I don't worry nearly AS much ;), I have BEGAN to learn how to say things in shorter sentences and be more precise, I finally see my weaknesses that I was able to hide being single and I am finally taking action to work on those, and I continue to fall in love with my husband who spoils me in his own ways.
Yes, things are different when you are dating. But the thing I love about being married is you finally get to see the person for who they are. They get to be comfortable around you and every day is an adventure. Sometimes I still tear up when he packs a lunch for me or even just microwaves a breakfast sandwich. I still have the same weaknesses, but he still loves me and we are learning to become a little bit better every day and increase in charity.
Monday, May 13, 2013
I found someone without a secure internet connection, so I finally get to sit down and use the internet. I have been dying to sit down and write a new blog!
I have been focusing on the negative a lot lately: I don't teach in the best area. I have students who have parents who are not supportive. Children come into class obnoxiously loud, children forget instruments, a good portion of the children cannot read, and calling home doesn't usually make a difference. I have been getting frustrated with this corrupt school system and city- yearning to move to a more "civilized city."
The odd thing, however, is that I was offered another position in a brand new school. Right at my interview, they offered me the job. It was everything I hoped to have (Other than the fact I preferred working with Middle school). I took the weekend to think over it and I turned them down today.
As I began thinking about it, I realized that all the people in the world who made a difference didn't quit when things began to start getting hard. They worked in the toughest circumstances and fought for something they believed in. If I were to move to another school because something seemed hard, I would be abandoning all this hard work that went into this year! I also realized how much I loved these kids and what all went into this time that we have spent together. I am building something and creating something and I don't want to leave.
We always want to make a difference, but we don't like feeling stretched and being called out on our weaknesses. We want to call someone else out and self-preserve ourselves. I get onto my students for doing that all the time and when I take a good look into the mirror, I am doing that myself too.
Since I have moved to Memphis, I have questioned why some of my favorable traits have gone away and I realized that this has been a stretching process. I only developed those attributes in college because I was in a bubble environment: I got to see who I could become. But in a unique environment where nothing is comfortable, I have really been able to fight for the confidence to see who I am. I have confidence because I have become as successful as I am in a place I probably shouldn't be successful. I am slowly becoming more social and now that I am hitting my mature mark, I can stop thinking less of myself and more of other people.
On another note, it is wonderful to be married. I feel like it's so much easier to move forward and I love having a husband who balances me out so well. We have so much fun together and I have noticed such an improvement in my happiness and I don't worry about things nearly as much anymore. I have found time to accomplish things I would like to do outside of work and when I leave work, I'm done. I may have days where I stay a bit longer, but I'm still usually home before my husband is.
I am finally beginning to see that even if things are horrible and situations aren't ideal, you have nothing to worry about as long as you do your best. You can succeed wherever you are. I have so much to be grateful for and I don't always recognize that.
I have been focusing on the negative a lot lately: I don't teach in the best area. I have students who have parents who are not supportive. Children come into class obnoxiously loud, children forget instruments, a good portion of the children cannot read, and calling home doesn't usually make a difference. I have been getting frustrated with this corrupt school system and city- yearning to move to a more "civilized city."
The odd thing, however, is that I was offered another position in a brand new school. Right at my interview, they offered me the job. It was everything I hoped to have (Other than the fact I preferred working with Middle school). I took the weekend to think over it and I turned them down today.
As I began thinking about it, I realized that all the people in the world who made a difference didn't quit when things began to start getting hard. They worked in the toughest circumstances and fought for something they believed in. If I were to move to another school because something seemed hard, I would be abandoning all this hard work that went into this year! I also realized how much I loved these kids and what all went into this time that we have spent together. I am building something and creating something and I don't want to leave.
We always want to make a difference, but we don't like feeling stretched and being called out on our weaknesses. We want to call someone else out and self-preserve ourselves. I get onto my students for doing that all the time and when I take a good look into the mirror, I am doing that myself too.
Since I have moved to Memphis, I have questioned why some of my favorable traits have gone away and I realized that this has been a stretching process. I only developed those attributes in college because I was in a bubble environment: I got to see who I could become. But in a unique environment where nothing is comfortable, I have really been able to fight for the confidence to see who I am. I have confidence because I have become as successful as I am in a place I probably shouldn't be successful. I am slowly becoming more social and now that I am hitting my mature mark, I can stop thinking less of myself and more of other people.
On another note, it is wonderful to be married. I feel like it's so much easier to move forward and I love having a husband who balances me out so well. We have so much fun together and I have noticed such an improvement in my happiness and I don't worry about things nearly as much anymore. I have found time to accomplish things I would like to do outside of work and when I leave work, I'm done. I may have days where I stay a bit longer, but I'm still usually home before my husband is.
I am finally beginning to see that even if things are horrible and situations aren't ideal, you have nothing to worry about as long as you do your best. You can succeed wherever you are. I have so much to be grateful for and I don't always recognize that.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
More than a Fairy Tale.
My blog posts are usually about the things I think about that affect my life- things I want people to see the way I do. I usually relish in my aloofness: where I am able to convey some of my most complex thoughts while keeping the details out of the picture- maintaing my treasures close to my heart.
Everything in my life has completely changed though. I don't see or do things the same way anymore. I am still adjusting to this way of life, but I am finally beginning to see things I never saw and I am beginning to feel things I've never felt. For the first time, I want to share with all those who will read the most personal feelings I have and be apart of the happiness and anguish I go through. I realize people read my blog for any of the following reasons
- You respect and love me and and you appreciate what I have to say and want to be a part of my life
- You are curious or nosy and don't know me very much but you obviously respect what I say
- We may be acquaintances, but you care about me enough to read something so long and thought-out that I would write
- You can't stand me and you are looking for ways to bask in my failures and tear me apart.
(I highly doubt the last one, but we'll keep it there for an option). In any of these cases except the last, I realize you want to be a part of my life and there is something I can say that is worth saying.
So yes, I am engaged. Yes, I am going to be getting married :). Yes, I love this man with all of my heart. Most of you are not familiar with my fiancé and the news is shocking because it sounds like it it out of the blue for a lot of people who do not live here in Memphis, but I am hoping through this blog you will learn why I love him so much.
J.T. is the complete opposite of me in so many ways: he is very calm and relaxed, he is hilarious, he enjoys simple things, he loves to hunt and fish, he loves to wear comfortable clothes all the time, and he always searches for adventures. If anyone knows me, I am naturally a workaholic and I am very attracted to complex things. I over-extend myself because I want things to be done as well as they can be. I sometimes get upset at myself because I forget how to laugh or have fun when I am working because I have such this strong obligation to get everything done. I feel myself and everything around me should be perfect. This is why we fit so well together! I do the stressing about everything and he just calms me down and helps me see the purpose of everything around me. He gets me out of my comfort zone to do things I naturally would find boring or said I would never do.
We are taught to be strong-willed and to stand up for what we want. We have learned how to do our own thing while loving someone else. The thing I love about J.T. is he makes it known that he will be happy doing anything as long as it is with me. Even though he loves wearing a hat and comfortable pants, he willingly dresses up and goes to the symphony 2 times in one month because he knows how much it means to me. J.T. is very hot-natured and I am very cold-natured. Though we make compromises, even if he is burning up, he will turn the heat up if he sees I am uncomfortable.
So let me tell you the story:
I met J.T. in February. I had a very long weekend: I was judging for solo and ensemble that weekend, I was just starting my teaching career, I was adjusting to Memphis, and I was trying to heal from some things that had been weighing me down for a while. I was asked to give a talk at my church that weekend. I remember giving my talk and thinking about how that was the worst talk I had ever given. I wanted to just walk out of the chapel and just escape. As I was making my mad dash, this gentleman stopped me to talk to me. He was with his sister and introduced her. He was charming and nice to talk to, but I was still frustrated and I was not seeking romance so I didn't think much of the situation. In fact, I forgot it until J.T. reminded me when we started dating.
He came up again from southern Mississippi towards the end of February, beginning of March for an activity. He stayed an extra week to go on a date with me that weekend. The date was helpful because my initial judgements of J.T. were not completely accurate. The date helped me see a side to him I never saw before. I was so confused that I loved being with him and I loved talking to him, but I wasn't interested in him.
I didn't want to lead him on especially with him living in Mississippi, so I gave him the cold shoulder. He ended up moving up here and my mind was preoccupied with other things. He became very good friends with my roommate so I saw J.T. a lot. With him being over here all the time and assuming I had made my point clear, I began to feel comfortable around him. He kind of felt like my brother- someone who would watch out for me and tease me but still keep our distance. I left for the summer to visit Nashville, Indiana, and Colorado. While I was in Nashville, I was able to meet up with J.T. because he was there for a training. I haven't told him this yet, but I went with my friend and I was thinking the two of them might hit it off. I know that I personally had a lot of fun because that is where my heart is. I love Nashville and I want everyone to love it. We showed him around and I finally felt someone would be able to give me pieces of Nashville in Memphis.
After that, we ended up talking a lot over the summer. I realized how judgmental I was and how I hadn't really taken the time to get to know him. I wasn't romantically interested in him, but I was drawing closer to him and was looking forward to spending time with him and my roommate especially since the two of them had gotten so close too.
So once we both ended up coming back, I made dinner for my roommates and invited him (safe because we weren't alone, right?) Well, we were going to go to an activity together later and he got out of work a little late. So, my roommates left and I waited for him to show up so he could have dinner. So he showed up and we ate and we talked and decided to watch a movie. We ended up holding hands and I remember being so shocked. I didn't see this coming, but I was excited about it! And my friend Betsie knows I usually am not a big hand holder.
Well, even though I was scared because we were sooooooooooooo different, I realized I was happy and I wanted to go for it. But, I kept going forward with fears and questions. I also had something else pop up that would not allow for me to give my full attention to him. So thinking it would be permanent, I decided to hold things off and end things. This was a hard decision because he made me feel so loved and so special and so important. He was doing nothing wrong- he was actually doing everything perfect, which is what scared me. It seemed too good to be true. He told me he would step back unless I told him otherwise.
He was determined to not being pushed away though. I had a responsibility that was really weighing me down. After one of my long rehearsals, I received a text from him: "I bet you are really tired right now. I'm just thinking of you, let me know if there's anything I can do." That meant the world to me because I was exhausted and I was tired of being responsible for things. Somebody remembered me and understood the feelings I was having without voicing them. The only thing I wanted was a hug so I just asked him to give me a hug the next time I saw him. Well, later that evening, he drives over to my house with his roommate just to give me a hug. He sits down on the couch to talk to me. He gets me smiling and laughing and forgetting the seriousness of my situation. He gave me the best hug that I've ever had because I was needing that more than anything. It was an embrace of: I understand, I care about you, and I am not going anywhere. I want you happy and this is my way of giving you happiness.
From that moment, I realized that even though I was worried about how things would work out with us being so different, it didn't matter because I could not deny how happy I was when I was with him. Since that day, the only time we have been apart has been when I went out of town for Christmas and a day or two here and there where he got off work so late we couldn't see one another. I get sick of people so easily and all I want to do is be with J.T. I am a workaholic and suddenly, I don't want to work because all I want to do is be with him.
When I was a kid, I used to ask my parents how they knew when it was the right person you were going to marry. For me, it's always wanting to be with someone. You know you want to marry them when you can act however you want in front of them and they see those weaknesses, but love them because they are a part of you. You know you want to marry them when their happiness means so much more than yours. You know you want to marry them when you can't imagine life without them and you want to have all those blessings with that one person. It's a hard decision to make and it doesn't always feel like the movies, but the joys and happinesses that come- especially when you do the things you are supposed to be doing, make you feel so much happier than you ever imagined.
Because I love spending time with J.T. every free second I have, I haven't been very good at keeping in touch with people. But, I wanted you to be able to know that I am genuinely happy. And though you may say: hmmm that doesn't seem like his/her type, I can assure you we are most definitely each other's type. :)
Everything in my life has completely changed though. I don't see or do things the same way anymore. I am still adjusting to this way of life, but I am finally beginning to see things I never saw and I am beginning to feel things I've never felt. For the first time, I want to share with all those who will read the most personal feelings I have and be apart of the happiness and anguish I go through. I realize people read my blog for any of the following reasons
- You respect and love me and and you appreciate what I have to say and want to be a part of my life
- You are curious or nosy and don't know me very much but you obviously respect what I say
- We may be acquaintances, but you care about me enough to read something so long and thought-out that I would write
- You can't stand me and you are looking for ways to bask in my failures and tear me apart.
(I highly doubt the last one, but we'll keep it there for an option). In any of these cases except the last, I realize you want to be a part of my life and there is something I can say that is worth saying.
So yes, I am engaged. Yes, I am going to be getting married :). Yes, I love this man with all of my heart. Most of you are not familiar with my fiancé and the news is shocking because it sounds like it it out of the blue for a lot of people who do not live here in Memphis, but I am hoping through this blog you will learn why I love him so much.
J.T. is the complete opposite of me in so many ways: he is very calm and relaxed, he is hilarious, he enjoys simple things, he loves to hunt and fish, he loves to wear comfortable clothes all the time, and he always searches for adventures. If anyone knows me, I am naturally a workaholic and I am very attracted to complex things. I over-extend myself because I want things to be done as well as they can be. I sometimes get upset at myself because I forget how to laugh or have fun when I am working because I have such this strong obligation to get everything done. I feel myself and everything around me should be perfect. This is why we fit so well together! I do the stressing about everything and he just calms me down and helps me see the purpose of everything around me. He gets me out of my comfort zone to do things I naturally would find boring or said I would never do.
We are taught to be strong-willed and to stand up for what we want. We have learned how to do our own thing while loving someone else. The thing I love about J.T. is he makes it known that he will be happy doing anything as long as it is with me. Even though he loves wearing a hat and comfortable pants, he willingly dresses up and goes to the symphony 2 times in one month because he knows how much it means to me. J.T. is very hot-natured and I am very cold-natured. Though we make compromises, even if he is burning up, he will turn the heat up if he sees I am uncomfortable.
So let me tell you the story:
I met J.T. in February. I had a very long weekend: I was judging for solo and ensemble that weekend, I was just starting my teaching career, I was adjusting to Memphis, and I was trying to heal from some things that had been weighing me down for a while. I was asked to give a talk at my church that weekend. I remember giving my talk and thinking about how that was the worst talk I had ever given. I wanted to just walk out of the chapel and just escape. As I was making my mad dash, this gentleman stopped me to talk to me. He was with his sister and introduced her. He was charming and nice to talk to, but I was still frustrated and I was not seeking romance so I didn't think much of the situation. In fact, I forgot it until J.T. reminded me when we started dating.
He came up again from southern Mississippi towards the end of February, beginning of March for an activity. He stayed an extra week to go on a date with me that weekend. The date was helpful because my initial judgements of J.T. were not completely accurate. The date helped me see a side to him I never saw before. I was so confused that I loved being with him and I loved talking to him, but I wasn't interested in him.
I didn't want to lead him on especially with him living in Mississippi, so I gave him the cold shoulder. He ended up moving up here and my mind was preoccupied with other things. He became very good friends with my roommate so I saw J.T. a lot. With him being over here all the time and assuming I had made my point clear, I began to feel comfortable around him. He kind of felt like my brother- someone who would watch out for me and tease me but still keep our distance. I left for the summer to visit Nashville, Indiana, and Colorado. While I was in Nashville, I was able to meet up with J.T. because he was there for a training. I haven't told him this yet, but I went with my friend and I was thinking the two of them might hit it off. I know that I personally had a lot of fun because that is where my heart is. I love Nashville and I want everyone to love it. We showed him around and I finally felt someone would be able to give me pieces of Nashville in Memphis.
After that, we ended up talking a lot over the summer. I realized how judgmental I was and how I hadn't really taken the time to get to know him. I wasn't romantically interested in him, but I was drawing closer to him and was looking forward to spending time with him and my roommate especially since the two of them had gotten so close too.
So once we both ended up coming back, I made dinner for my roommates and invited him (safe because we weren't alone, right?) Well, we were going to go to an activity together later and he got out of work a little late. So, my roommates left and I waited for him to show up so he could have dinner. So he showed up and we ate and we talked and decided to watch a movie. We ended up holding hands and I remember being so shocked. I didn't see this coming, but I was excited about it! And my friend Betsie knows I usually am not a big hand holder.
Well, even though I was scared because we were sooooooooooooo different, I realized I was happy and I wanted to go for it. But, I kept going forward with fears and questions. I also had something else pop up that would not allow for me to give my full attention to him. So thinking it would be permanent, I decided to hold things off and end things. This was a hard decision because he made me feel so loved and so special and so important. He was doing nothing wrong- he was actually doing everything perfect, which is what scared me. It seemed too good to be true. He told me he would step back unless I told him otherwise.
He was determined to not being pushed away though. I had a responsibility that was really weighing me down. After one of my long rehearsals, I received a text from him: "I bet you are really tired right now. I'm just thinking of you, let me know if there's anything I can do." That meant the world to me because I was exhausted and I was tired of being responsible for things. Somebody remembered me and understood the feelings I was having without voicing them. The only thing I wanted was a hug so I just asked him to give me a hug the next time I saw him. Well, later that evening, he drives over to my house with his roommate just to give me a hug. He sits down on the couch to talk to me. He gets me smiling and laughing and forgetting the seriousness of my situation. He gave me the best hug that I've ever had because I was needing that more than anything. It was an embrace of: I understand, I care about you, and I am not going anywhere. I want you happy and this is my way of giving you happiness.
From that moment, I realized that even though I was worried about how things would work out with us being so different, it didn't matter because I could not deny how happy I was when I was with him. Since that day, the only time we have been apart has been when I went out of town for Christmas and a day or two here and there where he got off work so late we couldn't see one another. I get sick of people so easily and all I want to do is be with J.T. I am a workaholic and suddenly, I don't want to work because all I want to do is be with him.
When I was a kid, I used to ask my parents how they knew when it was the right person you were going to marry. For me, it's always wanting to be with someone. You know you want to marry them when you can act however you want in front of them and they see those weaknesses, but love them because they are a part of you. You know you want to marry them when their happiness means so much more than yours. You know you want to marry them when you can't imagine life without them and you want to have all those blessings with that one person. It's a hard decision to make and it doesn't always feel like the movies, but the joys and happinesses that come- especially when you do the things you are supposed to be doing, make you feel so much happier than you ever imagined.
Because I love spending time with J.T. every free second I have, I haven't been very good at keeping in touch with people. But, I wanted you to be able to know that I am genuinely happy. And though you may say: hmmm that doesn't seem like his/her type, I can assure you we are most definitely each other's type. :)
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
What I learned when I turned 23
When I was a child, I used to look to people in their
twenties and see them as so old, so beautiful, and so mature. As I hit another
mile marker in those twenties, I realize that while some of my schemas from
childhood are accurate, very few of them are. Everything changes when you get
older and the battle of holding onto your childhood ambitions and changing into
the person you should and would like to become sometimes becomes extremely
overwhelming.
I believed that once I overcame my Freshman year of college,
I would be a responsible adult and I would have my life put together. In many
cases, this is correct, but in most cases- especially emotionally- this is not
anywhere near accurate. The thing I have learned in life is that the challenges
you struggle with when you were a child do not dissipate when you move
somewhere else and become surrounded by people who love you for who you are.
You find a way of dealing with those challenges a level at a time for the rest
of your life. At every phase of your life, you see struggles and frustrations
with who you are and just wish you could be a better person.
As a child, I used to look to people who did not get excited
about their birthdays and think they were fuddy duddies. In many instances,
they can be, but seeing as I wasn’t as excited about my birthday this year, I
began to contemplate why this was the case.
When you are a child, you are able to see the beauty in the
world. An airplane that jets across the sky is one of the most exhilarating
experiences because you have not yet learned to focus on the more important
noises. As a child, when you hear your family eating downstairs and laughing
together, you want to JUMP out of bed and spend times with them. As a child,
you are not worried about how much people care about you are how well people
treat you: you just know what you want and you are able to, at least some
point, forgive people because you can’t really see all of the bad in them.
As we gain more experience, understand evil a little bit
more, and develop knowledge, many of these child-like attributes become lost
and are replaced with self-criticizing and self-destructive thoughts and acts.
Maturing and becoming the responsible adult I should become
is a struggle because maintaining these attributes are very difficult-
especially when it seems as though there are so many expectations of what a
successful and responsible adult should be like.
However, the one thing I have learned that I didn’t know as
a child, came to my understanding this morning. I realized that as we become
older, we focus more on ourselves. A lot of our happiness and joy leaves. We
get burned out at work, we enter into depression, we put the blame on everyone
else, and we feel so lonely. It is a vicious cycle. We no longer have the urges
to jump out of bed and to see the things around us.
“What can I do to have this back again?“ I pleaded with
myself. I recognized that what we can do is wake up each morning for someone
else. There is no need to worry about how well we accomplish something. There
is no need to fear how what we say affects someone else. When we wake up
thinking of how we can touch another individual, when we think about how what
we do can improve the quality of someone else’s life, we have a greater desire
to jump out of bed- not for ourselves, but for someone else.
I recognize that as a child, I didn’t understand that many
of those people who were older than me who didn’t get excited for their
birthday were oftentimes humble, beautiful people who truly understood that joy
does not come from focusing on themselves. The greatest happiness comes from
getting to know other people and genuinely love and serve them.
So today as the first day of a new year of my life, I would
like to celebrate this change and development in my life. A shift of focus from
myself to you. A change from self-consciousness to a you-consiousness. I would
love to develop a greater since of confidence, enthusiasm, and hope. I would
like to abandon all of my fears and open up to people so I can grow closer to
them.
J
Life is so wonderful. I am so grateful for another day and another year to
live.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Whatever You Do, Don't Look Down!
I went on a hike with one of my very good
friends. Occasionally, he would stop and tell me that he was trying to
work on not just going to the destination, but stopping along the way to enjoy
the journey. Every time we stopped, I couldn't help but notice how beautiful
everything around me was. We went to the top where we could see the continental
divide and you could hear the rush of the water with no other sounds. You could
see for miles upon miles. I was amazed with how beautiful everything was.
Towards the end, I was becoming a bit exhausted with all the steep climbing we
were doing. As I was thinking about my exhaustion, I noticed that I had been
concentrating so hard on what I was doing, I had not been enjoying the
experience as much while I was walking- I liked it more as I stopped. The
previous hours were evidence that I was going much slower than my friend, but
it finally hit me why I was going so much slower. My realization provided to me
a visual representation of what I have been trying to work on lately:
Going up the mountain, I was slow and methodical to make sure I
would not slip and fall. I needed to know where every rock was, where I should
put my foot, how I should balance myself, and where I should put my hand.
Though I was not constantly thinking "What if I fall?!," the entire
time, I was constantly thinking about what I
should be doing so I would not fall. Though I am sure much of that comes from
how infrequently I have the opportunity to hike terrain like that, I
realized that I did NOT have to look down the entire time. I talked with my
friend a lot, but I did not look at him as frequently as I would have
liked.
Going down the mountain, I was so afraid about rolling down the
mountain, I was using way more work than I needed. That is usually the
enjoyable part, but instead I was constantly worrying about slipping. I
realized that even if I did slip, I would laugh about it and move on. The fear
OF falling made it so my experience was a little bit with-held.
Though is seems contradictory, our lives become so much more difficult when we over-think what we are doing. We slow ourselves down by making sure each step is perfect. It is as we learn to trust ourselves and God that we realize we are able to climb these boulders and we are able to know where to put our feet.
Perfectionism can be a horrible creature. It can be wonderful to motivate us to never stop trying and to remind us of who we have the potential to be: but it blinds us from the beauties that surround us right now.
I am determined to take the courage to fall a little more often so that I can get everything out of this experience that I need to get out of this experience. We don't want to fill our lives with stupid mistakes that can be prevented; however, we should take courage in each step and not become so consumed in the dirt and the rocks when we have all this majesty around us.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
New Beginnings
I personally am excited that everyone believes this could be the last year that we are living because it gives us the opportunity to think: If this really is my last year of living, how would I like to live it?
We have commenced a new year thus we are filled with anticipation and excitement to start over again, to look at what we have done wrong and to try and start anew. It brings me so much enthusiasm and excitement as I look around and see so many people who are truly excited and motivated. However, it saddens me when the enthusiasm dies out.
As I have been thinking about this concept of new beginnings, I began to have a small epiphany. It began with the thought of: What if we could have this motivation to change every day so that we do not give up in the middle of the year. I then recognized: I bet more people are contemplating what is most important to them this year because this has been the long and anticipated 2012! Really though, we have no idea when our last breath will be. We have no idea who the last person we talk to will be. We have no idea what will be the last words out of our mouth or the last thought we will think. We will have no idea if we will leave a legacy and touch other people after our death.
What if we were to wake up every day and set a goal just for that day as though it was the first day of the new year: setting goals for what we would accomplish THAT day. What if we were to sit and think about the legacy we would like to leave behind and what value we have with our name. I don't think we completely recognize the significance of how important it is that we have one more breath and one more day to live.
We have heard the song and the concept to live like you were dying, but instead I challenge you to consider to see each day as new years: to look at the past and appreciate it, but to make goals and work to become who you want to become. To live each day finding the joy and beauty because you are you.
We have commenced a new year thus we are filled with anticipation and excitement to start over again, to look at what we have done wrong and to try and start anew. It brings me so much enthusiasm and excitement as I look around and see so many people who are truly excited and motivated. However, it saddens me when the enthusiasm dies out.
As I have been thinking about this concept of new beginnings, I began to have a small epiphany. It began with the thought of: What if we could have this motivation to change every day so that we do not give up in the middle of the year. I then recognized: I bet more people are contemplating what is most important to them this year because this has been the long and anticipated 2012! Really though, we have no idea when our last breath will be. We have no idea who the last person we talk to will be. We have no idea what will be the last words out of our mouth or the last thought we will think. We will have no idea if we will leave a legacy and touch other people after our death.
What if we were to wake up every day and set a goal just for that day as though it was the first day of the new year: setting goals for what we would accomplish THAT day. What if we were to sit and think about the legacy we would like to leave behind and what value we have with our name. I don't think we completely recognize the significance of how important it is that we have one more breath and one more day to live.
We have heard the song and the concept to live like you were dying, but instead I challenge you to consider to see each day as new years: to look at the past and appreciate it, but to make goals and work to become who you want to become. To live each day finding the joy and beauty because you are you.
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