It was December 19th. Everything previous to that day seemed to catch me in a whirlwind: As a new teacher, I was too proud to admit I was thoroughly struggling. Hopping from one school to the next caught me in a whirlwind of exhaustion and exasperation- not to mention the principal who demanded everything from me when I was at that school the least!
I was frustrated that work was keeping me this occupied because I knew I had some serious things I needed to think about. I could see that things between J.T. and I were progressing and he had hinted at marriage- but intrinsically, marriage scared me and I had become so confident and secure as a single woman. I appreciated that I didn't need anyone to make me happy and that I was confident and successful in every situation (so I thought). I really wanted to sit down and ponder where I was at with J.T, but I would come home from work exhausted and overwhelmed and then I would rush to get things done just to see him.
There was a shooting the week previous. Apparently, that wore on J.T. quite a bit and he became distant and I took it very personal. I become very alarmed and I began to panic: I love this man, we are very different, but communication is so important to me. Can I really be with a man who cannot communicate with me? I knew I needed to talk to J.T. about it, but I needed to wait for the perfect moment.
That opportunity came early that morning. J.T. recognized that I had been needing to talk. We started the conversation at his house and I was honest, afraid that this conversation may end up in us breaking up. I put on the table all of my worries and all of my fears about the relationship. (This is very typical for me to worry about stuff, I worry about everything). What touched me is that he understood me well enough not to be alarmed by my concerns and took responsibility for everything I talked about and said: "I know I struggle with that. I have never had to communicate with you very much before, but I would like to talk with you and tell you anything and everything you'd like to know."He told me to choose a place to go to talk. He suggested the temple since it was next to his house.
So we go to the temple and sit on the bench. The weather was pretty nice outside-especially for December, but the stone bench was cold. Not unusual, J.T. gave me his jacket. Then J.T. began talking to me and opening up to me- which touched me because I knew that was something that was hard for him. Everything I wish he would have been telling me the past couple weeks he finally explained so articulately. I was just amazed at how this man who I judged so much has taught me so much about love. While he talked, I just realized how much worry I have in my life and how I wish I could eliminate it, but how I just love how he adored me so much even despite all of my worrying and my problems. I was beginning not to worry about things anymore. I was almost convinced I didn't need to do anything to earn his love.
J.T. explained elaborately how he wanted to be able to communicate these things to me earlier. He talked about how he loves that we love each other so much, we can both work on thee things to draw closer to each other and he expressed how he wanted to keep doing this with me.
He explained that when he first saw me, he was so intrigued with me and he had to know why. Apparently when he has to fight for someone, he usually gives up and says it should be mutual: but with me, it was different. He just felt so strongly that the opportunity for us was there and that he couldn't give up. And the more he's gotten to know me, the more he knows why I intrigued him. (By this time, I was checking his pocket to check to see if he had a ring because this was seeming like a proposal, but I saw no bulge so I decided to just enjoy the conversation we were having).
He told me that I was beautiful and that he loved how committed to the gospel I am. He said that he love how I was so passionate and try hard at everything I do. He said he wants to be a better person just for knowing me. He explained how he used to not care about forming relationships or getting married, but everything changed when he met me:
Suddenly, he couldn't function without me. He shared things with me he hasn't shared with anyone and the only thing that seemed to matter was taking care of me. He said he couldn't imagine life without me and he always wants to be with me. He said, "Brianne, I want to spend forever with you." He put his hand in his jacket that I was wearing and pulled out a box. I looked at him like, "Is this really happening?!" and he looked at me like: "yes, it is." He opened it and said, "Brianne, will you marry me?"
While I had a feeling it would be coming, I had no idea it was coming this quickly. In my mind I was confused because these past couple of days, I had been so hurt and questioning everything. I've always been petrified of marriage and I didn't know if I was marriage material right now. I was tired of worrying about the future though. All I knew was that I loved J.T. and it touched me that we were both changing to become better people. He felt my heart. He showed me what true love actually was and never gave up on me. He didn't love me despite my weaknesses, he loved me because of them. I realized that love required taking a plunge. I was scared to death. But I wanted to do it, with J.T! (Yes, there was an awkward pause because I was thinking about all of this before I gave my answer).
I kissed him because I couldn't find words with all these thoughts swimming around in my head. "Is that a yes?" He asked. I nodded: "yes, that is a yes."It took hours before it sunk in that I was engaged, but suddenly, I couldn't stop smiling. Those who were able to experience this joy with me helped me immensely and helped me become excited.
I realize that I held a lot of emotions inside while I was dating J.T. because both of us are not the type of people we would usually date. I never knew if we were both just learning something form the relationship or if we would keep progressing- but after having my heart broken before, I put barriers up and expected people to be half-committed in me. I realize that because I did this, people didn't get to see how happy I was with J.T, but people didn't take the time to understand me either. So while it hurt that some of the people I wanted and needed the most to be excited for me and with me weren't, I understand and I still had people who were there for me and were excited with me and were with me every step of the way.
Now that we are married, I am so glad that I said yes. Our difference show every now and then, but I am becoming such a stronger person: I don't worry nearly AS much ;), I have BEGAN to learn how to say things in shorter sentences and be more precise, I finally see my weaknesses that I was able to hide being single and I am finally taking action to work on those, and I continue to fall in love with my husband who spoils me in his own ways.
Yes, things are different when you are dating. But the thing I love about being married is you finally get to see the person for who they are. They get to be comfortable around you and every day is an adventure. Sometimes I still tear up when he packs a lunch for me or even just microwaves a breakfast sandwich. I still have the same weaknesses, but he still loves me and we are learning to become a little bit better every day and increase in charity.
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