My definition of a friend

Trees have always fascinated me: In the summer, the branches are filled with leaves, even producing flowers and fruits. Then during fall, they change colors and begin to shed their leaves, until winter when all the leaves are gone and they are bare. Finally, spring comes again and the leaves begin to grow again.

I suppose this should help me recognize that, naturally, things are always changing, but I suppose this has always been extremely difficult to me when it comes to friendships, even within my family. I have had many "summers" with friends where we would turn to one another and listen to each other through different problems and do silly things with each other, but then we begin to drift away. There are few people in my life that I consider my friend. Here is my definition of what a friend is: A friend is someone who has seen your strengths and your weaknesses and still accepts you for who you are. A friend is someone who is there for you when you need them and you want to be there for them as well. You may have frustrations or fights with this person, but they only bring you closer together. You help each other achieve their potential. You are able to fully trust them because you believe they will always be there for you.

I am not saying that I am the best friend in the world, but I am tired that the moment I give up on holding onto a friendship, it dies. Sometimes I get tired of being the one reaching out and putting myself out there because I just want to know that someone is thinking of me or would even like to understand what I am going through, but very seldom have I seen that happen.

I love marriage, because you really do always have that one person who is there for you, and you both continue to grow and improve with one another. If I never have anyone else, I am at least glad that I have my husband, the best person that I could have, but I do not want to be one of those people who pushes others away because I am married; yet, this is difficult to do because the moment I am not around someone constantly anymore, I feel I am no longer in a person's life.

While I recognize I have many battles to overcome within myself, to improve my interaction with others around me, to become more social, and to have a lot more self-confidence within myself, true friendship doesn't just die if someone struggles with something. True friendship shouldn't die because someone moves or because something changes.

I love going back through facebook and looking at pictures of people who have always touched me and influenced my life in a positive way. I wish I could just call them up and pick up where we left off, but unfortunately, that's not the way it works and I am tired of always making new friends because I can't keep any of the friends I've had.

I guess I just get frustrated because so much of my life has been to be there for other people when they need me the most, and to help improve their lives. I would be so unhappy if I didn't have the opportunity to do this anymore, but the moments when my cup is not full, I sometimes wish I had a group of people I could turn to for comfort, knowing that they could really accept me for who I am and I didn't always have to be the strong one- or even insulted for my weaknesses or mistakes I made or believed I made. Instead, I write out my fears and my worries- to get it out of my system and go forward with a smile again because I need to be the strong person. I am not depressed, I just wish things could be different.

                                

My Own Realization

Silence hisses through the rooms, leaving me alone with these retched thoughts. Distant memories flood my mind as I recognize, significant moments have passed by without full contemplation of their significance. Many nights I lay an emotional wreck as I try to sort through these moments of the past and the distorted thoughts.However, persistence and a desire to understand reveal answers with time. This is what I have come to know:

In the past, happiness did not merely come from what I did, it came from who I was. I genuinely was happy, as my memory serves me, as I look upon pictures that reflect the happiness I so vividly remember. Yet, what my mind never revealed to me, was how it betrayed me without allowing me to know.

I went through life as a child, living as most children do: insecurities, positive memories, and negative memories. Yet, somehow, my insecurities seem to have amplified themselves starting in middle school. These weaknesses that I saw in myself controlled and dominated everything I did and every friendship I had. I recognized how difficult these challenges were, but I also felt I had nobody to turn to- I was all alone.

As I continued to grow up in adolescence, I was still aware of my weaknesses and my struggles, but I didn't quite know what they were. I continued to see these weaknesses and insecurities tear me apart from everything I loved, one person and thing at a time. While I noticed my weaknesses, I didn't recognize at the time that I was the one damaging everything. I blamed it on where I was. So I wanted to escape. Far from where I was and move far away where I could become the person I wanted to be.

And so I did. I moved to this incredible place filled with amazing people who were kind and genuine. In my mind, everything was better there.

Incorrect. The true story: I began to recognize the beautiful things about myself and what my potentials were. I recognized that I had different strengths; however, the moment I felt someone could not handle who I was or didn't appreciate me, I dropped them. Yes, I would still have melt downs and I would shut myself off from everyone, but I was able to come up with excuses until I was feeling myself again. Because I never really had to deal with overcoming these problems and I could continually escape from my weaknesses, I felt I had the life I wanted. Nobody was holding me accountable for how I was acting or even that I had a problem.

Then when I moved from that environment, to the one I was in now, I was in an environment that wasn't as flexible. I didn't have places to run away to. But especially once I got married, I had to start tackling these insecurities and weaknesses that I have. I could no longer blame these on anything else, but myself. 

I suppose self-realization is the first step, but oh how I wish I knew the steps to finally overcome these problems so this dark and luminous cloud would finally depart from around me.  

Seeing with the eyes we were meant to have

What would we do if we could see? Not just see what we see every day, but see the things that would make a difference?

When Saul walked on the road towards Damascus, he was stopped by and angel and through his conversion and recognition of what he did, he was left blinded, or with "scales on his eyes." This man was left to wander until he stumbled in front of the man himself he was on his way to kill. Though with hesitation and probably some resentfulness, this man removed the scales from his eyes. Through Saul's blindness, he was finally able to see as a new man as a new person, as Paul now, and he did not see as he saw before, as Saul.

What if we could see the way that Paul did instead of Saul? I believe we can as long as we become blind though. The interesting thing, however, is that we receive our vision one blind spot at a time.

What if we could see the person who always seems happy, but could use a hug or strengthening because he/she is putting all the effort in. What if we could see what we were doing wrong so that we could not hurt the people around us as much? What if we could see what the people around us needed so that we could be lights and beacons to them? What if we knew exactly what to say and do to the people around us who are grieving or struggling?

There is so much we don't see and because we don't see, we get upset, hurt, angry frustrated, or hopeless. We give up on ourselves and other people because we feel we are justified; when in reality we should be working so much harder because the more difficult the situation, the harder we should work. Idleness, laziness, and giving up makes us lose hope, but it is when we keep walking down that road blind, we find who we are. We may be blind and feel we are all alone at times, and we MAY be all alone at times, but when our eyes are finally opened, we become the people we would like to become.

What I wish I knew before I got married

So now that I have officially been married a year today, I realize there are things I wish I had known before I got married:

- I wish I knew that men and women communicate differently. Even though at first, you both may feel you are speaking another language, you come to realize that men and women communicate differently for a reason. As a very wise person (Elder Bednar) once said: A boy has a boy spirit and a girl has a girl spirit. The girl may sit there and cry for no apparent reason, but the boy feels like he needs to do something to solve the problem. The girl doesn't necessarily want to be told what to do, but the boy doesn't understand why she's crying: there must be a solution! There is a lot of comedy involved in women and men communicating, but the beauty is that they really do connect! We just both need to be on the same channel. Through the conversations we have had this year, I have been able to figure out what I really need to do to change than before I was married. It is incredible how women and men really balance one another out.

- I wish I knew how much I would hate being alone. Before I got married, I was the most stubborn and independent person: I felt I could do everything by myself. While every person needs time to themselves, and while I and still do things by myself, I never realized that loving someone in the purest form meant aching from not being with that person when they are away, even for a little bit.

- I wish I knew how crazy I would get. When you are around someone who loves you just for who you are, you no longer need to hold yourself back. I have been able to look at myself for exactly who I am, especially my weaknesses. But the best moment is when you realize how crazy you actually are and your husband just looks at you, full of love and patience. These are the moments that motivate me to continue becoming a better person not because anyone expects it, but because I see who I can become.

- I didn't realize I would fail at so many things. From keeping the house clean, to having time to cook, to planning the perfect anniversary or valentines surprises, I bombed according to the expectations in my mind. I have started to realize (though it may never sink in), that I don't need to be perfect and that the small moments we spend together and that the messy house and box dinners are all part of being in love the first year of marriage.

- I didn't realize that your spouse would see more of your strength than you do. My husband is daily getting me to see the strengths I have and convincing me of them. I may not always be able to see them, but it is nice to have someone who can see the beauty in what you are doing and how precious you really are.

- I wish I would have known how sick I would get. It seems that different sicknesses keep popping up on me. Being on your own, you learn to cope with it and push through, but it is nice to have a husband who will wake up early, even though he can sleep in to go and buy medicine and cough drops for you before you leave to work early in the morning so you can make it through the day. He also has gone out just to find me soup and a humidifier to help me feel better.

- I wish I knew how much I was able to laugh. I am always on my toes. There are few moments that are not filled with me rolling my eyes, smiling, or laughing. I didn't realize before meeting my husband that I would be picked on and irritated on a daily basis, but I would not trade it for anything.  Anyone who knew me before knew how stressed out and anxious I am; however my husband helps me relax and not worry about things as much.

- I wish I knew the man I married: While I loved my husband and saw how special he was before we got married, I continue to discover just how wonderful he is. I love watching him while he's talking to people and understand how much he loves to help people. I love seeing how much my husband thinks about those around him before himself. I love to watch how he will go out and do things he really doesn't feel like doing because he is a honest man and wants to do the right thing. I love watching him play with little children: they look up to him so much and he is filled with so much love for them. I love how he is never afraid to be and do what he feels he should do or wants to do. And I love that he only speaks highly of me to those around me- even if I do things to completely irritate him. 

- I wish I would have known what small and precious moments are: Waking up to a husband cleaning the house because he knows you are worn out, having a smoothie and a lunch waiting for you before you go out the door because he knows how tired you've been so he lets you sleep in a little longer, starting the car for you so you don't have to trek out in the cold and scrape off the ice, bringing you flowers because you were hurting, sitting and listening even though there is a game he really wants to watch, listening to your squeaky students at their concert and looking at you in admiration. I never realized that life could be filled with so many tender moments. (And he still opens the door for me!)

- I wish I understood what people said about how the first year of marriage is the hardest, but best year of your marriage. It's not so much that this year was hard, as it was transitioning from being single to being married. I hope that this isn't necessarily the best year of our marriage, but I think it will be the most special because we have created so many special memories and moments I never want to forget. We have been able really understand one another and I can't wait for the adventures and excitement to continue to another year.

I feel so blessed that a year ago today my husband and I were able to be sealed for time and all eternity. If this year is to reflect the rest of the time we have together, than I am more confident of my decision of marrying him today than I was a year ago. I was blessed to inherit a new family full of love as well as support from my family. I am grateful every morning I wake up for another day I get to spend with the love of my life. Here's to another year!

Looking into the mirror again...

I find in amusing that when we are stretched, we feel nobody understands what we are going through, including ourselves. Reading the end of that sentence, you may believe me to be crazy, but I say that because frequently we see our errors but for one reason or another, we just feel STUCK.

In the past when I would reach moments of my snapping point, I would look deeply in the mirror at myself and have a conversation. I needed someone to talk to me the way I needed, but I realized I wasn't being honest with myself.

Now that I have been married for almost a year, it is incredible how when my husband and I actually succeed in having deep, meaningful conversations, it has the same effect upon me as it did when I would look in a mirror. He tells me things that may be hard to hear, yet he still encourages me and helps me see what I need to do to make the changes in my life to become who I would like to become. He does not allow me to put the responsibility of my problems on him, rather, he teaches me how to be responsible for my weaknesses and patiently listens to me and corrects my irrational thoughts and breaks everything down into 2 simple steps: Figure out what is most important in your life at the time, and just do it (as much as you can every day so it doesn't weigh you down).

I know something like this may seem like common sense, but when you feel the responsibility of so many things around you, simplicity is not the first thing that comes to mind.

The reason I find it amusing that we feel nobody understands what we are going through is because in a lot of ways, we all experience these same stretching feelings. And oftentimes, everyone around us is going through moments of "stretch," yet some people have just learned how to not allow this to consume them and focus on others instead of themselves.

When I look at others being such incredible examples of this, especially in the area that I'm in right now where it is easy to feel overwhelmed by so many who need so much, I almost cry out of love and respect. Honestly though, it is such a beautiful depiction of what I imagine a loving Heavenly Father sees in us: Despite all the responsibilities and burdens and pains he goes through, in our moments of greatest sorrow, pain, or even excitement, he is there by our side whether we recognize it or not.

Sometimes these moments are so humbling when you recognize that as a human you can not accomplish nor master what you would like; however, you recognize that you truly are not alone and you have wonderful people surrounding you.

I am grateful to have a husband who understands me so well and can make me feel I am becoming the person I need to be. I am grateful he doesn't baby me when I feel things get to hard, but he pushes me (even though sometimes at the moment I may think he is being mean). I am grateful to have a few friends in my life who never give up on me or who forgive me when I give up on myself and everyone else around me. I am grateful to have such a wonderful family and family-in-law.

I am thankful for another day to try and become the person I need to become.

The best year of my life

When the end of the year comes and a new year approaches, I frequently sit and contemplate my successes and create goals to achieve my dreams and goals. However, at the close of this year, I realize how much I have to be thankful for this year. This has been a miracle year for me and because I have done so much stretching and growing, I have spent too much of my time focusing on growing pains, when in reality, this has been the best year of my life:

- I was blessed with endowments from on high as I entered into the Holy Temple. My whole life, I read about ancient temples and the prophets that dwelled inside and became so much stronger from the ordinances inside. I remember sitting outside the temple as a kid and looking up at it and waiting until I was old enough and worthy enough to enter the temple. I would listen to hymns that would remind me of my purpose of this earth and how I would return to my Heavenly Father and yearn for the day I could sit in the temple walls and feel of his spirit. Now that I have entered into the temple, my favorite part is sitting in the celestial room and just sitting and feeling. I love the peace and happiness these covenants bring and I never want to forget how beautiful and how sacred these experiences are. I remember what it was like before I made these covenants and my heart still is just so full of happiness.

- I was able to be married in the temple, surrounded by the people who love me the most. Not only did my celebrations and the fun trip we took for our honeymoon exceed my expectations, but the simple, yet extraordinary experience of being married to my husband was by far the most special experience I have had thus far in my life. I have a husband who loves me and cherishes me above all others. He treats my like royalty and makes me laugh and roll my eyes at him every day. He listens to my concerns and puts my needs above him. When I act crazy, he is patient with me and learns what he can do to make me happy. That is what marriage is and I got to learn the joys of marriage this year with the person I love the most, my best friend.

- I was accepted into my husband's family. The stereotypes of in-laws were not true for me. I feel like I have a second set of parents and new brothers and sisters. Every time I go with J.T. back to his home, I feel comfortable and I feel loved. His grandmothers, his aunts and uncles, his cousins, friends and immediate family help me feel loved and accepted. They bring the best out of my husband and they motivate me to love deeper and care about people in a deeper way.

- The principal at the school I loved the most was able to give me a position so I could have a secure job doing what I love the most. At this school, I have a very supportive administration, I have had fellow teachers who have taken me under their wings and given me advice to become a better teacher, I have helped build the program from 15 kids to our now 50 kid program ranging from third grade to eighth grade. But the biggest blessing from this opportunity is the love and the bond I share with these kids. They come in before school and after school just because they love music so much and they want to be a part of this orchestra family we have built. The culture in Memphis, let alone Douglass is so unique from anywhere else that I can't expect anyone else to understand. But when these kids talk to me and hug me, I feel that all my hard work is worth something and I am sharing with them something that means the most to me.

- I was called to be the young women's president of my ward at my church. While this is a big responsibility despite the many obligations I have currently, I have gained a deep love for the youth of my church. I am still learning, but the short time I have been there, I have seen them grow so much already. I love watching them interact with one another because they are such examples to those around them. I see so many of the students I care about at school make wrong choices that lead them down paths of misery and regret; but I regain my hope as I watch these young women make goals and raise the people around them. They perform acts of service, they learn the skills they need to learn to improve themselves, and they reach out to those around them. They are thinking about their future and what they can do to improve. I also learn from their comments and insights in our lessons and just love who they are.

- I am about to celebrate my first Christmas married. There are so many exciting feelings of Christmas. So many new things. I have a husband who spoils me and who has presents wrapped for me already. I have an incredible mom and grandma who got me a whole bunch of gifts and wrapped them to help me still feel loved as this is my first Christmas away from home- and it is really hard. I am so excited to start these new traditions with my new family while I still continue on the traditions I have had from before as I ache for my family and their companionship.

At only 24, I have learned and grown so much. I don't know when I will ever be able to experience this many blessings all in one year again. As I said before, it has been stretching, but I am so blessed and oh so happy.

The Best Decision of my Life.

It was December 19th. Everything previous to that day seemed to catch me in a whirlwind: As a new teacher, I was too proud to admit I was thoroughly struggling. Hopping from one school to the next caught me in a whirlwind of exhaustion and exasperation- not to mention the principal who demanded everything from me when I was at that school the least!

I was frustrated that work was keeping me this occupied because I knew I had some serious things I needed to think about. I could see that things between J.T. and I were progressing and he had hinted at marriage- but intrinsically, marriage scared me and I had become so confident and secure as a single woman. I appreciated that I didn't need anyone to make me happy and that I was confident and successful in every situation (so I thought). I really wanted to sit down and ponder where I was at with J.T, but I would come home from work exhausted and overwhelmed and then I would rush to get things done just to see him.

There was a shooting the week previous. Apparently, that wore on J.T. quite a bit and he became distant and I took it very personal. I become very alarmed and I began to panic: I love this man, we are very different, but communication is so important to me. Can I really be with a man who cannot communicate with me? I knew I needed to talk to J.T. about it, but I needed to wait for the perfect moment.

That opportunity came early that morning. J.T. recognized that I had been needing to talk. We started the conversation at his house and I was honest, afraid that this conversation may end up in us breaking up. I put on the table all of my worries and all of my fears about the relationship. (This is very typical for me to worry about stuff, I worry about everything). What touched me is that he understood me well enough not to be alarmed by my concerns and took responsibility for everything I talked about and said: "I know I struggle with that. I have never had to communicate with you very much before, but I would like to talk with you and tell you anything and everything you'd like to know."He told me to choose a place to go to talk. He suggested the temple since it was next to his house.

So we go to the temple and sit on the bench.  The weather was pretty nice outside-especially for December, but the stone bench was cold. Not unusual, J.T. gave me his jacket. Then J.T. began talking to me and opening up to me- which touched me because I knew that was something that was hard for him. Everything I wish he would have been telling me the past couple weeks he finally explained so articulately. I was just amazed at how this man who I judged so much has taught me so much about love. While he talked, I just realized how much worry I have in my life and how I wish I could eliminate it, but how I just love how he adored me so much even despite all of my worrying and my problems. I was beginning not to worry about things anymore. I was almost convinced I didn't need to do anything to earn his love.

J.T. explained elaborately how he wanted to be able to communicate these things to me earlier. He talked about how he loves that we love each other so much, we can both work on thee things to draw closer to each other and he expressed how he wanted to keep doing this with me.

He explained that when he first saw me, he was so intrigued with me and he had to know why. Apparently when he has to fight for someone, he usually gives up and says it should be mutual: but with me, it was different. He just felt so strongly that the opportunity for us was there  and that he couldn't give up. And the more he's gotten to know me, the more he knows why I intrigued him. (By this time, I was checking his pocket to check to see if he had a ring because this was seeming like a proposal, but I saw no bulge so I decided to just enjoy the conversation we were having).

He told me that I was beautiful and that he loved how committed to the gospel I am. He said that he love how I was so passionate and try hard at everything I do. He said he wants to be a better person just for knowing me. He explained how he used to not care about forming relationships or getting married, but everything changed when he met me:

Suddenly, he couldn't function without me. He shared things with me he hasn't shared with anyone and the only thing that seemed to matter was taking care of me. He said he couldn't imagine life without me and he always wants to be with me. He said, "Brianne, I want to spend forever with you." He put his hand in his jacket that I was wearing and pulled out a box. I looked at him like, "Is this really happening?!" and he looked at me like: "yes, it is." He opened it and said, "Brianne, will you marry me?"

While I had a feeling it would be coming, I had no idea it was coming this quickly. In my mind I was confused because these past couple of days, I had been so hurt and questioning everything. I've always been petrified of marriage and I didn't know if I was marriage material right now. I was tired of worrying about the future though. All I knew was that I loved J.T. and it touched me that we were both changing to become better people. He felt my heart. He showed me what true love actually was and never gave up on me. He didn't love me despite my weaknesses, he loved me because of them. I realized that love required taking a plunge. I was scared to death. But I wanted to do it, with J.T! (Yes, there was an awkward pause because I was thinking about all of this before I gave my answer).

I kissed him because I couldn't find words with all these thoughts swimming around in my head. "Is that a yes?" He asked. I nodded: "yes, that is a yes."It took hours before it sunk in that I was engaged, but suddenly, I couldn't stop smiling. Those who were able to experience this joy with me helped me immensely and helped me become excited.

I realize that I held a lot of emotions inside while I was dating J.T. because both of us are not the type of people we would usually date. I never knew if we were both just learning something form the relationship or if we would keep progressing- but after having my heart broken before, I put barriers up and expected people to be half-committed in me. I realize that because I did this, people didn't get to see how happy I was with J.T, but people didn't take the time to understand me either. So while it hurt that some of the people I wanted and needed the most to be excited for me and with me weren't, I understand and I still had people who were there for me and were excited with me and were with me every step of the way.

Now that we are married, I am so glad that I said yes. Our difference show every now and then, but I am becoming such a stronger person: I don't worry nearly AS much ;), I have BEGAN to learn how to say things in shorter sentences and be more precise, I finally see my weaknesses that I was able to hide being single and I am finally taking action to work on those, and I continue to fall in love with my husband who spoils me in his own ways.

Yes, things are different when you are dating. But the thing I love about being married is you finally get to see the person for who they are. They get to be comfortable around you and every day is an adventure. Sometimes I still tear up when he packs a lunch for me or even just microwaves a breakfast sandwich. I still have the same weaknesses, but he still loves me and we are learning to become a little bit better every day and increase in charity.