My Own Realization

Silence hisses through the rooms, leaving me alone with these retched thoughts. Distant memories flood my mind as I recognize, significant moments have passed by without full contemplation of their significance. Many nights I lay an emotional wreck as I try to sort through these moments of the past and the distorted thoughts.However, persistence and a desire to understand reveal answers with time. This is what I have come to know:

In the past, happiness did not merely come from what I did, it came from who I was. I genuinely was happy, as my memory serves me, as I look upon pictures that reflect the happiness I so vividly remember. Yet, what my mind never revealed to me, was how it betrayed me without allowing me to know.

I went through life as a child, living as most children do: insecurities, positive memories, and negative memories. Yet, somehow, my insecurities seem to have amplified themselves starting in middle school. These weaknesses that I saw in myself controlled and dominated everything I did and every friendship I had. I recognized how difficult these challenges were, but I also felt I had nobody to turn to- I was all alone.

As I continued to grow up in adolescence, I was still aware of my weaknesses and my struggles, but I didn't quite know what they were. I continued to see these weaknesses and insecurities tear me apart from everything I loved, one person and thing at a time. While I noticed my weaknesses, I didn't recognize at the time that I was the one damaging everything. I blamed it on where I was. So I wanted to escape. Far from where I was and move far away where I could become the person I wanted to be.

And so I did. I moved to this incredible place filled with amazing people who were kind and genuine. In my mind, everything was better there.

Incorrect. The true story: I began to recognize the beautiful things about myself and what my potentials were. I recognized that I had different strengths; however, the moment I felt someone could not handle who I was or didn't appreciate me, I dropped them. Yes, I would still have melt downs and I would shut myself off from everyone, but I was able to come up with excuses until I was feeling myself again. Because I never really had to deal with overcoming these problems and I could continually escape from my weaknesses, I felt I had the life I wanted. Nobody was holding me accountable for how I was acting or even that I had a problem.

Then when I moved from that environment, to the one I was in now, I was in an environment that wasn't as flexible. I didn't have places to run away to. But especially once I got married, I had to start tackling these insecurities and weaknesses that I have. I could no longer blame these on anything else, but myself. 

I suppose self-realization is the first step, but oh how I wish I knew the steps to finally overcome these problems so this dark and luminous cloud would finally depart from around me.