My definition of a friend

Trees have always fascinated me: In the summer, the branches are filled with leaves, even producing flowers and fruits. Then during fall, they change colors and begin to shed their leaves, until winter when all the leaves are gone and they are bare. Finally, spring comes again and the leaves begin to grow again.

I suppose this should help me recognize that, naturally, things are always changing, but I suppose this has always been extremely difficult to me when it comes to friendships, even within my family. I have had many "summers" with friends where we would turn to one another and listen to each other through different problems and do silly things with each other, but then we begin to drift away. There are few people in my life that I consider my friend. Here is my definition of what a friend is: A friend is someone who has seen your strengths and your weaknesses and still accepts you for who you are. A friend is someone who is there for you when you need them and you want to be there for them as well. You may have frustrations or fights with this person, but they only bring you closer together. You help each other achieve their potential. You are able to fully trust them because you believe they will always be there for you.

I am not saying that I am the best friend in the world, but I am tired that the moment I give up on holding onto a friendship, it dies. Sometimes I get tired of being the one reaching out and putting myself out there because I just want to know that someone is thinking of me or would even like to understand what I am going through, but very seldom have I seen that happen.

I love marriage, because you really do always have that one person who is there for you, and you both continue to grow and improve with one another. If I never have anyone else, I am at least glad that I have my husband, the best person that I could have, but I do not want to be one of those people who pushes others away because I am married; yet, this is difficult to do because the moment I am not around someone constantly anymore, I feel I am no longer in a person's life.

While I recognize I have many battles to overcome within myself, to improve my interaction with others around me, to become more social, and to have a lot more self-confidence within myself, true friendship doesn't just die if someone struggles with something. True friendship shouldn't die because someone moves or because something changes.

I love going back through facebook and looking at pictures of people who have always touched me and influenced my life in a positive way. I wish I could just call them up and pick up where we left off, but unfortunately, that's not the way it works and I am tired of always making new friends because I can't keep any of the friends I've had.

I guess I just get frustrated because so much of my life has been to be there for other people when they need me the most, and to help improve their lives. I would be so unhappy if I didn't have the opportunity to do this anymore, but the moments when my cup is not full, I sometimes wish I had a group of people I could turn to for comfort, knowing that they could really accept me for who I am and I didn't always have to be the strong one- or even insulted for my weaknesses or mistakes I made or believed I made. Instead, I write out my fears and my worries- to get it out of my system and go forward with a smile again because I need to be the strong person. I am not depressed, I just wish things could be different.

                                

My Own Realization

Silence hisses through the rooms, leaving me alone with these retched thoughts. Distant memories flood my mind as I recognize, significant moments have passed by without full contemplation of their significance. Many nights I lay an emotional wreck as I try to sort through these moments of the past and the distorted thoughts.However, persistence and a desire to understand reveal answers with time. This is what I have come to know:

In the past, happiness did not merely come from what I did, it came from who I was. I genuinely was happy, as my memory serves me, as I look upon pictures that reflect the happiness I so vividly remember. Yet, what my mind never revealed to me, was how it betrayed me without allowing me to know.

I went through life as a child, living as most children do: insecurities, positive memories, and negative memories. Yet, somehow, my insecurities seem to have amplified themselves starting in middle school. These weaknesses that I saw in myself controlled and dominated everything I did and every friendship I had. I recognized how difficult these challenges were, but I also felt I had nobody to turn to- I was all alone.

As I continued to grow up in adolescence, I was still aware of my weaknesses and my struggles, but I didn't quite know what they were. I continued to see these weaknesses and insecurities tear me apart from everything I loved, one person and thing at a time. While I noticed my weaknesses, I didn't recognize at the time that I was the one damaging everything. I blamed it on where I was. So I wanted to escape. Far from where I was and move far away where I could become the person I wanted to be.

And so I did. I moved to this incredible place filled with amazing people who were kind and genuine. In my mind, everything was better there.

Incorrect. The true story: I began to recognize the beautiful things about myself and what my potentials were. I recognized that I had different strengths; however, the moment I felt someone could not handle who I was or didn't appreciate me, I dropped them. Yes, I would still have melt downs and I would shut myself off from everyone, but I was able to come up with excuses until I was feeling myself again. Because I never really had to deal with overcoming these problems and I could continually escape from my weaknesses, I felt I had the life I wanted. Nobody was holding me accountable for how I was acting or even that I had a problem.

Then when I moved from that environment, to the one I was in now, I was in an environment that wasn't as flexible. I didn't have places to run away to. But especially once I got married, I had to start tackling these insecurities and weaknesses that I have. I could no longer blame these on anything else, but myself. 

I suppose self-realization is the first step, but oh how I wish I knew the steps to finally overcome these problems so this dark and luminous cloud would finally depart from around me.  

Seeing with the eyes we were meant to have

What would we do if we could see? Not just see what we see every day, but see the things that would make a difference?

When Saul walked on the road towards Damascus, he was stopped by and angel and through his conversion and recognition of what he did, he was left blinded, or with "scales on his eyes." This man was left to wander until he stumbled in front of the man himself he was on his way to kill. Though with hesitation and probably some resentfulness, this man removed the scales from his eyes. Through Saul's blindness, he was finally able to see as a new man as a new person, as Paul now, and he did not see as he saw before, as Saul.

What if we could see the way that Paul did instead of Saul? I believe we can as long as we become blind though. The interesting thing, however, is that we receive our vision one blind spot at a time.

What if we could see the person who always seems happy, but could use a hug or strengthening because he/she is putting all the effort in. What if we could see what we were doing wrong so that we could not hurt the people around us as much? What if we could see what the people around us needed so that we could be lights and beacons to them? What if we knew exactly what to say and do to the people around us who are grieving or struggling?

There is so much we don't see and because we don't see, we get upset, hurt, angry frustrated, or hopeless. We give up on ourselves and other people because we feel we are justified; when in reality we should be working so much harder because the more difficult the situation, the harder we should work. Idleness, laziness, and giving up makes us lose hope, but it is when we keep walking down that road blind, we find who we are. We may be blind and feel we are all alone at times, and we MAY be all alone at times, but when our eyes are finally opened, we become the people we would like to become.

What I wish I knew before I got married

So now that I have officially been married a year today, I realize there are things I wish I had known before I got married:

- I wish I knew that men and women communicate differently. Even though at first, you both may feel you are speaking another language, you come to realize that men and women communicate differently for a reason. As a very wise person (Elder Bednar) once said: A boy has a boy spirit and a girl has a girl spirit. The girl may sit there and cry for no apparent reason, but the boy feels like he needs to do something to solve the problem. The girl doesn't necessarily want to be told what to do, but the boy doesn't understand why she's crying: there must be a solution! There is a lot of comedy involved in women and men communicating, but the beauty is that they really do connect! We just both need to be on the same channel. Through the conversations we have had this year, I have been able to figure out what I really need to do to change than before I was married. It is incredible how women and men really balance one another out.

- I wish I knew how much I would hate being alone. Before I got married, I was the most stubborn and independent person: I felt I could do everything by myself. While every person needs time to themselves, and while I and still do things by myself, I never realized that loving someone in the purest form meant aching from not being with that person when they are away, even for a little bit.

- I wish I knew how crazy I would get. When you are around someone who loves you just for who you are, you no longer need to hold yourself back. I have been able to look at myself for exactly who I am, especially my weaknesses. But the best moment is when you realize how crazy you actually are and your husband just looks at you, full of love and patience. These are the moments that motivate me to continue becoming a better person not because anyone expects it, but because I see who I can become.

- I didn't realize I would fail at so many things. From keeping the house clean, to having time to cook, to planning the perfect anniversary or valentines surprises, I bombed according to the expectations in my mind. I have started to realize (though it may never sink in), that I don't need to be perfect and that the small moments we spend together and that the messy house and box dinners are all part of being in love the first year of marriage.

- I didn't realize that your spouse would see more of your strength than you do. My husband is daily getting me to see the strengths I have and convincing me of them. I may not always be able to see them, but it is nice to have someone who can see the beauty in what you are doing and how precious you really are.

- I wish I would have known how sick I would get. It seems that different sicknesses keep popping up on me. Being on your own, you learn to cope with it and push through, but it is nice to have a husband who will wake up early, even though he can sleep in to go and buy medicine and cough drops for you before you leave to work early in the morning so you can make it through the day. He also has gone out just to find me soup and a humidifier to help me feel better.

- I wish I knew how much I was able to laugh. I am always on my toes. There are few moments that are not filled with me rolling my eyes, smiling, or laughing. I didn't realize before meeting my husband that I would be picked on and irritated on a daily basis, but I would not trade it for anything.  Anyone who knew me before knew how stressed out and anxious I am; however my husband helps me relax and not worry about things as much.

- I wish I knew the man I married: While I loved my husband and saw how special he was before we got married, I continue to discover just how wonderful he is. I love watching him while he's talking to people and understand how much he loves to help people. I love seeing how much my husband thinks about those around him before himself. I love to watch how he will go out and do things he really doesn't feel like doing because he is a honest man and wants to do the right thing. I love watching him play with little children: they look up to him so much and he is filled with so much love for them. I love how he is never afraid to be and do what he feels he should do or wants to do. And I love that he only speaks highly of me to those around me- even if I do things to completely irritate him. 

- I wish I would have known what small and precious moments are: Waking up to a husband cleaning the house because he knows you are worn out, having a smoothie and a lunch waiting for you before you go out the door because he knows how tired you've been so he lets you sleep in a little longer, starting the car for you so you don't have to trek out in the cold and scrape off the ice, bringing you flowers because you were hurting, sitting and listening even though there is a game he really wants to watch, listening to your squeaky students at their concert and looking at you in admiration. I never realized that life could be filled with so many tender moments. (And he still opens the door for me!)

- I wish I understood what people said about how the first year of marriage is the hardest, but best year of your marriage. It's not so much that this year was hard, as it was transitioning from being single to being married. I hope that this isn't necessarily the best year of our marriage, but I think it will be the most special because we have created so many special memories and moments I never want to forget. We have been able really understand one another and I can't wait for the adventures and excitement to continue to another year.

I feel so blessed that a year ago today my husband and I were able to be sealed for time and all eternity. If this year is to reflect the rest of the time we have together, than I am more confident of my decision of marrying him today than I was a year ago. I was blessed to inherit a new family full of love as well as support from my family. I am grateful every morning I wake up for another day I get to spend with the love of my life. Here's to another year!