I am very good at being vague and talking about general information, but I am not very good at revealing the things in my life that mean the most to me. To more powerfully demonstrate the beauty in my life, I first need to take a leap and be a little vulnerable (which I hate). I will first tell you my darkest secrets of my weaknesses. I will then show you how I am blessed despite these:
1. I struggle with anxiety. Much more than most anyone I've met. I am the queen at hiding panic attacks, I don't handle stress very well, and when I am not doing well, I avoid talking to people because I don't like who I am when I get like this. I have improved a lot with this, but I recognize that this is a significant part of my life and depression frequently accompanies long spurts of anxiety. This is not an excuse, this is just something I struggle with right now.
2. I usually assume the worst. When someone laughs, when someone whispers, when someone makes a face, when someone teases a certain way, I am guilty of thinking: I have ______ wrong with me and all of these people do not like me because I have weaknesses. I also hold myself back from getting to know them, because I am intimidated by how amazing they are and I don't want them to see right through me. This attribute has killed many of my friendships. (Again, not an excuse, just what I recognize I am doing)
3. I beat myself up. It doesn't matter what accomplishments I have made, the amount of lives I have changed, or how many people love me, I frequently see what I am NOT doing or how I can be doing MORE. Scholarship to college and sitting first chair? Nope, didn't earn it. Still not good enough. Students make almost perfect scores everywhere you go even though you just started the program? I can do more. You get the point
4. I make excuses. Frequently, I become so overwhelmed, I can't cope very well. I have a very long list of do-to's. Instead of knocking at least one off, I procrastinate by coming up with an excuse of why I shouldn't do it right then. I dig myself into a rut by getting more overwhelmed and disappointing my husband and the people around me because I just didn't do what I was supposed to do.
5. I'm awkward. I only talk when I have something meaningful to say. I don't believe in small talk. There are very few people I feel comfortable around. When I am put in the position of talking to people I don't know very well, I feel very uncomfortable because I run out of things to talk about and I don't know what to say.
So now that you know what I struggle with, let me tell you how my life is still wonderful despite these weaknesses:
1. I am able to recognize the first sign on uneasiness in the people around me, especially my students because of the intense pain I have experienced from anxiety. Unless you have gone through such mentally and emotionally wrenching experiences, it is very difficult to pick up when someone else is going through the same thing. I have learned how to help people get out of uncomfortable situations before they become unbearable, and it has helped me be an empathetic teacher.
2. Despite the fact I automatically assume the worst, I am writing this blog, assuming full well many people will probably look down upon my weaknesses. I have been blessed with many loving people who have overcome my walls I put up to protect myself and have climbed over those walls because they have shown through their words and actions they want to be there. My husband is also VERY good at helping me see things the way they should be.
3. I am blessed with an amazing mother who knows how to validate my accomplishments to help me appreciate what I do when I downplay everything. I try hard with every cell in my body- and while I can always do better, I have friends, students, co-workers, members of my congregation at church, and family who at one time or another have offered genuine praises- and I am getting so much better at taking these to heart.
4. There is a loving Father in Heaven who understands my weaknesses and knows how to help me overcome my weaknesses. Even though I make excuses and feel I don't have the energy to accomplish what I need to do, I have been given opportunities to INSPIRE and MOTIVATE me to change some of the areas of my life I am lacking in and become a better person.
5. The people who I do feel comfortable around mean the world to me. They can accept me for all of my flaws and it reminds me that I am not always awkward- there are just times where I may feel forced in certain situations, but I can always continue to grow.
Why is this worth a blog post?
We all have weaknesses. Whether we see them in ourselves or in other people, it is part of who we are. The real challenge lies in what you will do despite these weaknesses. I still have a long way to go, but I have a beautiful, beautiful life. That, however, does not mean that my life is perfect or free from problems. I am not perfect, nor happy all the time, but my heart is full of joy and I am happy with who I am and where I am in life. Any challenge or obstacle can be overcome with the proper perspective.
Sunday, February 1, 2015
Sunday, August 3, 2014
So Far Life Has Taught me This Much:
Things I know to be true:
1) God doesn't give up on us- He accepts us for where we are at the moment and reaches us to help us become the person he knows we can become. Sometimes we care more about what we think and doing what seems best to us and tuning him out, but he's always there and he will always help us when we are ready.
2) People don't give up on us as much as we give up on ourselves. When we look into a mirror, we are able to see our flaws greater than anyone else can because we look at ourselves everyday and we know what our weaknesses are. Oftentimes, especially for the first time, people see our strengths and we need to learn to be a little more patient with ourselves (easier said than done, huh?)
3) Communication works. Even though some people find it very difficult to do, when you actually communicate with someone and leave yourself vulnerable, you don't live your life with regrets and you become so much closer to other people.
4) The Temple is the House of the Lord. There is no other place on earth that brings as much peace and joy as the temple does. When you participate in the ordinances in the temple, you develop a closer relationship to your Father in Heaven and have a deeper appreciation for Jesus Christ and his Atonement. The temple separates you from your trials and burdens, and allows you to see the way our Father in Heaven sees.
5) Prayer works. Real prayer, anyways. Sometimes we get caught in our own lives, we say prayers without really knowing what we are saying, or we just skip a prayer all together. But when we finally turn our hearts to the Lord and show him what is important in our lives, what is difficult in our lives, and the type of person we would like to become, he opens doors and gates for us that we no other wise would have had. You can call me crazy, but I call this a truth because I have experienced this in my own life.
6) Just because you're doing the right thing doesn't mean that life should be easy. Oftentimes, it means life will be more difficult in some areas, but we will feel the spirit burn so much deeper within ourselves, and we will have intense moments with our Father in Heaven in recognizing the person we have the potential to become. We recognize that we have a loving, yet, omnipotent Father in Heaven who looks out for us and knows who we have the potential to become more than we do.
1) God doesn't give up on us- He accepts us for where we are at the moment and reaches us to help us become the person he knows we can become. Sometimes we care more about what we think and doing what seems best to us and tuning him out, but he's always there and he will always help us when we are ready.
2) People don't give up on us as much as we give up on ourselves. When we look into a mirror, we are able to see our flaws greater than anyone else can because we look at ourselves everyday and we know what our weaknesses are. Oftentimes, especially for the first time, people see our strengths and we need to learn to be a little more patient with ourselves (easier said than done, huh?)
3) Communication works. Even though some people find it very difficult to do, when you actually communicate with someone and leave yourself vulnerable, you don't live your life with regrets and you become so much closer to other people.
4) The Temple is the House of the Lord. There is no other place on earth that brings as much peace and joy as the temple does. When you participate in the ordinances in the temple, you develop a closer relationship to your Father in Heaven and have a deeper appreciation for Jesus Christ and his Atonement. The temple separates you from your trials and burdens, and allows you to see the way our Father in Heaven sees.
5) Prayer works. Real prayer, anyways. Sometimes we get caught in our own lives, we say prayers without really knowing what we are saying, or we just skip a prayer all together. But when we finally turn our hearts to the Lord and show him what is important in our lives, what is difficult in our lives, and the type of person we would like to become, he opens doors and gates for us that we no other wise would have had. You can call me crazy, but I call this a truth because I have experienced this in my own life.
6) Just because you're doing the right thing doesn't mean that life should be easy. Oftentimes, it means life will be more difficult in some areas, but we will feel the spirit burn so much deeper within ourselves, and we will have intense moments with our Father in Heaven in recognizing the person we have the potential to become. We recognize that we have a loving, yet, omnipotent Father in Heaven who looks out for us and knows who we have the potential to become more than we do.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
ENDURE!!!!!!!
In my mind, the word endure means to keep going even though you want to stop.
How many of us REALLY exercise the power of this word? I know that oftentimes, I am guilty of giving up on something because it seems so hard, or because I can only see what I want. There are times where I just want to lay in bed all day and stare at the wall!
I have been thinking lately what it means to endure and how a person decides to keep pushing through something when it's really hard or when you should just give up. This is what I have decided:
When we look at ourselves, we know, or at least can come to know, the type of people we would like to become. We can know what our dreams are, what our goals are, and what the most important things that fuel us in life. Those are the things that define who we are and what we spend our time doing. We must figure these things out first to give our lives any sort of meaning.
I have decided this is how it goes:
curiosity --> interest ---> hope ---> belief --> faith--> knowledge --> perseverance
Life gets really hard, especially in the faith stage. My definition of faith in this context is the willingness to test and put to action what one believes to be true. The faith stage is critical because this is a stage a person decides if we truly believe in whatever it is we are hoping to be true. So in this experiment of one's beliefs and working towards this belief, but a person's life suddenly, or rather, more visibly becomes difficult, then that's a sign and you should just give up, right? It should just be easy! Or, you hear some information or a statement that contradicts what you believe; therefore, what you had a belief in is wrong, right? Absolutely not. While I am not encouraging anyone to follow blindly, some of the greatest discoveries have been made during that stage of struggle and turmoil!
Let me give a non-serious example:
Curiosity: Men for centuries looked at birds and saw their abilities to fly. They wondered what made them fly
Interest: Because they were so intrigued, they began to study birds and their flight, possibly even how men could fly.
Hope: As most children wish, many others hoped they could fly. They wanted to put forth this effort and even if they didn't know it would work, they wanted it to work
Believe: Men believed that with the right invention, they could fly like birds. So they assembled parts together
Faith: The moment of truth when the invention needed to be tested. They believed in something they couldn't see if it was right or not, but they acted anyways.
Knowledge: As long as the plane lifted off the ground, these men gained at least some knowledge. If the plane failed, they knew the invention didn't work
Perseverance: The men who experimented the planes continued to work on their inventions until they flew the way they believed.
Now what about the men who crashed and possibly survived? Just because they failed, does that mean that humans can't fly? Out of despair and frustration, their answer would probably be yes. But somewhere along the road, there were men who didn't give up, who saw glimpses of hope and kept trying until it became our first plane.
Things in life will become very difficult, but you should only give up if you look in the mirror and realize that you are no longer interested or believe in the same things anymore. If a person gets to that point, then introspection is required because most of the time, it's something else that comes in the way, or some of the stages before faith were missing.
I believe most people who claim to lose interest or belief in something, hasn't entirely lost belief: these are the people who are tired, exhausted, and want to do something else instead of this difficult task (Thus, give up instead of endure).
This is a very sensitive topic to me right now, especially when it has to do with parenting and children. Your choices should not affect or influence your children's decisions, especially if you know deep down that something is missing. Parents naturally teach their children what is good, and what is correct, as they should, but expressing your own views and rubbing your insecurities and doubts on children whom you initially taught to believe in what you are now insecure or unsure about frustrates me, because it confuses the children and if affects everyone else.
My only plea is that more people endure. Endure when you feel the pain of feeling wrong. Endure when you have a nasty conversation that makes you want to walk away, endure when you are tired and you don't feel like doing more. Because in those moments, you will find more about yourself and what you believe in, instead of giving up and reshaping your entire schemata of life again.
How many of us REALLY exercise the power of this word? I know that oftentimes, I am guilty of giving up on something because it seems so hard, or because I can only see what I want. There are times where I just want to lay in bed all day and stare at the wall!
I have been thinking lately what it means to endure and how a person decides to keep pushing through something when it's really hard or when you should just give up. This is what I have decided:
When we look at ourselves, we know, or at least can come to know, the type of people we would like to become. We can know what our dreams are, what our goals are, and what the most important things that fuel us in life. Those are the things that define who we are and what we spend our time doing. We must figure these things out first to give our lives any sort of meaning.
I have decided this is how it goes:
curiosity --> interest ---> hope ---> belief --> faith--> knowledge --> perseverance
Life gets really hard, especially in the faith stage. My definition of faith in this context is the willingness to test and put to action what one believes to be true. The faith stage is critical because this is a stage a person decides if we truly believe in whatever it is we are hoping to be true. So in this experiment of one's beliefs and working towards this belief, but a person's life suddenly, or rather, more visibly becomes difficult, then that's a sign and you should just give up, right? It should just be easy! Or, you hear some information or a statement that contradicts what you believe; therefore, what you had a belief in is wrong, right? Absolutely not. While I am not encouraging anyone to follow blindly, some of the greatest discoveries have been made during that stage of struggle and turmoil!
Let me give a non-serious example:
Curiosity: Men for centuries looked at birds and saw their abilities to fly. They wondered what made them fly
Interest: Because they were so intrigued, they began to study birds and their flight, possibly even how men could fly.
Hope: As most children wish, many others hoped they could fly. They wanted to put forth this effort and even if they didn't know it would work, they wanted it to work
Believe: Men believed that with the right invention, they could fly like birds. So they assembled parts together
Faith: The moment of truth when the invention needed to be tested. They believed in something they couldn't see if it was right or not, but they acted anyways.
Knowledge: As long as the plane lifted off the ground, these men gained at least some knowledge. If the plane failed, they knew the invention didn't work
Perseverance: The men who experimented the planes continued to work on their inventions until they flew the way they believed.
Now what about the men who crashed and possibly survived? Just because they failed, does that mean that humans can't fly? Out of despair and frustration, their answer would probably be yes. But somewhere along the road, there were men who didn't give up, who saw glimpses of hope and kept trying until it became our first plane.
Things in life will become very difficult, but you should only give up if you look in the mirror and realize that you are no longer interested or believe in the same things anymore. If a person gets to that point, then introspection is required because most of the time, it's something else that comes in the way, or some of the stages before faith were missing.
I believe most people who claim to lose interest or belief in something, hasn't entirely lost belief: these are the people who are tired, exhausted, and want to do something else instead of this difficult task (Thus, give up instead of endure).
This is a very sensitive topic to me right now, especially when it has to do with parenting and children. Your choices should not affect or influence your children's decisions, especially if you know deep down that something is missing. Parents naturally teach their children what is good, and what is correct, as they should, but expressing your own views and rubbing your insecurities and doubts on children whom you initially taught to believe in what you are now insecure or unsure about frustrates me, because it confuses the children and if affects everyone else.
My only plea is that more people endure. Endure when you feel the pain of feeling wrong. Endure when you have a nasty conversation that makes you want to walk away, endure when you are tired and you don't feel like doing more. Because in those moments, you will find more about yourself and what you believe in, instead of giving up and reshaping your entire schemata of life again.
Friday, July 11, 2014
My definition of a friend
Trees have always fascinated me: In the summer, the branches are filled with leaves, even producing flowers and fruits. Then during fall, they change colors and begin to shed their leaves, until winter when all the leaves are gone and they are bare. Finally, spring comes again and the leaves begin to grow again.
I suppose this should help me recognize that, naturally, things are always changing, but I suppose this has always been extremely difficult to me when it comes to friendships, even within my family. I have had many "summers" with friends where we would turn to one another and listen to each other through different problems and do silly things with each other, but then we begin to drift away. There are few people in my life that I consider my friend. Here is my definition of what a friend is: A friend is someone who has seen your strengths and your weaknesses and still accepts you for who you are. A friend is someone who is there for you when you need them and you want to be there for them as well. You may have frustrations or fights with this person, but they only bring you closer together. You help each other achieve their potential. You are able to fully trust them because you believe they will always be there for you.
I am not saying that I am the best friend in the world, but I am tired that the moment I give up on holding onto a friendship, it dies. Sometimes I get tired of being the one reaching out and putting myself out there because I just want to know that someone is thinking of me or would even like to understand what I am going through, but very seldom have I seen that happen.
I love marriage, because you really do always have that one person who is there for you, and you both continue to grow and improve with one another. If I never have anyone else, I am at least glad that I have my husband, the best person that I could have, but I do not want to be one of those people who pushes others away because I am married; yet, this is difficult to do because the moment I am not around someone constantly anymore, I feel I am no longer in a person's life.
While I recognize I have many battles to overcome within myself, to improve my interaction with others around me, to become more social, and to have a lot more self-confidence within myself, true friendship doesn't just die if someone struggles with something. True friendship shouldn't die because someone moves or because something changes.
I love going back through facebook and looking at pictures of people who have always touched me and influenced my life in a positive way. I wish I could just call them up and pick up where we left off, but unfortunately, that's not the way it works and I am tired of always making new friends because I can't keep any of the friends I've had.
I guess I just get frustrated because so much of my life has been to be there for other people when they need me the most, and to help improve their lives. I would be so unhappy if I didn't have the opportunity to do this anymore, but the moments when my cup is not full, I sometimes wish I had a group of people I could turn to for comfort, knowing that they could really accept me for who I am and I didn't always have to be the strong one- or even insulted for my weaknesses or mistakes I made or believed I made. Instead, I write out my fears and my worries- to get it out of my system and go forward with a smile again because I need to be the strong person. I am not depressed, I just wish things could be different.
I suppose this should help me recognize that, naturally, things are always changing, but I suppose this has always been extremely difficult to me when it comes to friendships, even within my family. I have had many "summers" with friends where we would turn to one another and listen to each other through different problems and do silly things with each other, but then we begin to drift away. There are few people in my life that I consider my friend. Here is my definition of what a friend is: A friend is someone who has seen your strengths and your weaknesses and still accepts you for who you are. A friend is someone who is there for you when you need them and you want to be there for them as well. You may have frustrations or fights with this person, but they only bring you closer together. You help each other achieve their potential. You are able to fully trust them because you believe they will always be there for you.
I am not saying that I am the best friend in the world, but I am tired that the moment I give up on holding onto a friendship, it dies. Sometimes I get tired of being the one reaching out and putting myself out there because I just want to know that someone is thinking of me or would even like to understand what I am going through, but very seldom have I seen that happen.
I love marriage, because you really do always have that one person who is there for you, and you both continue to grow and improve with one another. If I never have anyone else, I am at least glad that I have my husband, the best person that I could have, but I do not want to be one of those people who pushes others away because I am married; yet, this is difficult to do because the moment I am not around someone constantly anymore, I feel I am no longer in a person's life.
While I recognize I have many battles to overcome within myself, to improve my interaction with others around me, to become more social, and to have a lot more self-confidence within myself, true friendship doesn't just die if someone struggles with something. True friendship shouldn't die because someone moves or because something changes.
I love going back through facebook and looking at pictures of people who have always touched me and influenced my life in a positive way. I wish I could just call them up and pick up where we left off, but unfortunately, that's not the way it works and I am tired of always making new friends because I can't keep any of the friends I've had.
I guess I just get frustrated because so much of my life has been to be there for other people when they need me the most, and to help improve their lives. I would be so unhappy if I didn't have the opportunity to do this anymore, but the moments when my cup is not full, I sometimes wish I had a group of people I could turn to for comfort, knowing that they could really accept me for who I am and I didn't always have to be the strong one- or even insulted for my weaknesses or mistakes I made or believed I made. Instead, I write out my fears and my worries- to get it out of my system and go forward with a smile again because I need to be the strong person. I am not depressed, I just wish things could be different.
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