Some of the beautiful things in my life

I am very good at being vague and talking about general information, but I am not very good at revealing the things in my life that mean the most to me. To more powerfully demonstrate the beauty in my life, I first need to take a leap and be a little vulnerable (which I hate). I will first tell you my darkest secrets of my weaknesses. I will then show you how I am blessed despite these:

1. I struggle with anxiety. Much more than most anyone I've met. I am the queen at hiding panic attacks, I don't handle stress very well, and when I am not doing well, I avoid talking to people because I don't like who I am when I get like this. I have improved a lot with this, but I recognize that this is a significant part of my life and depression frequently accompanies long spurts of anxiety. This is not an excuse, this is just something I struggle with right now.

2. I usually assume the worst. When someone laughs, when someone whispers, when someone makes a face, when someone teases a certain way, I am guilty of thinking: I have ______ wrong with me and all of these people do not like me because I have weaknesses. I also hold myself back from getting to know them, because I am intimidated by how amazing they are and I don't want them to see right through me. This attribute has killed many of my friendships. (Again, not an excuse, just what I recognize I am doing)

3. I beat myself up. It doesn't matter what accomplishments I have made, the amount of lives I have changed, or how many people love me, I frequently see what I am NOT doing or how I can be doing MORE. Scholarship to college and sitting first chair? Nope, didn't earn it. Still not good enough. Students make almost perfect scores everywhere you go even though you just started the program? I can do more. You get the point

4. I make excuses. Frequently, I become so overwhelmed, I can't cope very well. I have a very long list of do-to's. Instead of knocking at least one off, I procrastinate by coming up with an excuse of why I shouldn't do it right then. I dig myself into a rut by getting more overwhelmed and disappointing my husband and the people around me because I just didn't do what I was supposed to do.

5. I'm awkward. I only talk when I have something meaningful to say. I don't believe in small talk. There are very few people I feel comfortable around. When I am put in the position of talking to people I don't know very well, I feel very uncomfortable because I run out of things to talk about and I don't know what to say.

So now that you know what I struggle with, let me tell you how my life is still wonderful despite these weaknesses:

1. I am able to recognize the first sign on uneasiness in the people around me, especially my students because of the intense pain I have experienced from anxiety. Unless you have gone through such mentally and emotionally wrenching experiences, it is very difficult to pick up when someone else is going through the same thing. I have learned how to help people get out of uncomfortable situations before they become unbearable, and it has helped me be an empathetic teacher.

2. Despite the fact I automatically assume the worst, I am writing this blog, assuming full well many people will probably look down upon my weaknesses. I have been blessed with many loving people who have overcome my walls I put up to protect myself and have climbed over those walls because they have shown through their words and actions they want to be there. My husband is also VERY good at helping me see things the way they should be.

3. I am blessed with an amazing mother who knows how to validate my accomplishments to help me appreciate what I do when I downplay everything. I try hard with every cell in my body- and while I can always do better, I have friends, students, co-workers, members of my congregation at church, and family who at one time or another have offered genuine praises- and I am getting so much better at taking these to heart.

4. There is a loving Father in Heaven who understands my weaknesses and knows how to help me overcome my weaknesses. Even though I make excuses and feel I don't have the energy to accomplish what I need to do, I have been given opportunities to INSPIRE and MOTIVATE me to change some of the areas of my life I am lacking in and become a better person.

5. The people who I do feel comfortable around mean the world to me. They can accept me for all of my flaws and it reminds me that I am not always awkward- there are just times where I may feel forced in certain situations, but I can always continue to grow.

Why is this worth a blog post?

We all have weaknesses. Whether we see them in ourselves or in other people, it is part of who we are. The real challenge lies in what you will do despite these weaknesses. I still have a long way to go, but I have a beautiful, beautiful life. That, however, does not mean that my life is perfect or free from problems. I am not perfect, nor happy all the time, but my heart is full of joy and I am happy with who I am and where I am in life. Any challenge or obstacle can be overcome with the proper perspective.