I've been wanting to write this post for a while now, but I haven't had the time to sit down and write this. I guess I also haven't had the guts to write this either.
In most of my public comments, I withhold a lot of personal details for self-preservation. I am a perfectionist and it eats me up when others see my flaws. However, for the last few years, I have been trying to remind myself that life is about enjoying the journey and not JUST getting to where I need to go. I'm not perfect so I need to quit pretending I am. I am human so I have weaknesses just like everyone else. Maybe what I say will help someone else too.
I feel I need to explain myself for three reasons. The first is because I don't allow people to see what is going on inside of my head so they are left to assume what my actions really mean. Second, I am not a very articulate speaker, but I can get my thoughts out decently when I write them, so it helps me process my thoughts. And finally, by putting this out there, I will quit worrying what other think of me and just concern myself with improving who I am. If you have a problem after understanding who I am, then that problem no longer lies with me. I am working on myself and I recognize that I am not perfect. And since I am working on myself, then it's okay!
1. I know that I keep to myself in public, I have a hard time calling people, and I am flakey when it comes to visiting people or going on outings.
Simply put: I don't say anything or want to be in groups of people because I become exhausted around them and have social anxiety. I want to be around people, but I don't want to deal with the other emotions that go with it:
The truth is, I care deeply for people, even people I hardly talk to. I don't show that though: I am sure I come across as self-centered because I never talk to them or do anything for them. I pull away because I don't think they can handle who I am OR because I am too busy assuming the worst: that you don't even WANT me to talk to you (and more).
Is it fair for me to wait for someone to approach me or prove they don't hate me? Absolutely not, but I recognize that is what I do. As my confidence in myself grows and as I start becoming less self-centered, I will be more inclined to reach out to those around me. So in the mean time, please just be patient with me and don't take it personal.
2. I know I worry about things that seem dumb or insignificant to worry about.
Anxiety is a beast. It could be something as simple as driving when I know I need to take a left turn at a major intersection, it could be something someone said to me that I have a hard time letting go of, it could be installing my child's car seat and not knowing what to do. I worry, and when I am worrying about something, it takes a while to change. I can't just "stop." I am working on it, but I also recognize you worry about things because you care deeply for them.
3. I know that I make a lot of "first time mom" mistakes.
Each night as it is time to put my son to bed, I tell myself I probably ruined our child with how he goes to bed. I probably could feed him different, I could read to him more, I could .... but you know what? I'm a first time mom. I'm supposed to make those mistakes so I can learn from them. You can offer to watch my child for me, but the only way I can become a better mom is by falling a little bit and learning from what I do wrong. I know that my child feels loved, secure, and happy. These other things will come in time.
4. I know I need to turn to my Heavenly Father more
There is a scripture that talks about praying continually. There was a point in my life where I lived this and felt so close to my Father in Heaven. I know that I am not at this place right now, and I hate it. I am working to be the person I once was and want to be, but that also doesn't mean that I am not a good person right now. Because of the grace of my savior, I have still seen his hand in my life even though I feel i don't deserve it. But because of these events, I more fully appreciate what our savior did for us, the plan of salvation, and how grace, works, and the atonement are intertwined. This will be the moment in my life where I will gain the passion to develop a lasting and deep relationship with my savior.
5. I know I will make and have made many other mistakes not on this list
I jump on my husband's case for things I expect him to do, that I can just do myself. I have gotten mad at my family members over silly and dumb things, I can be passive aggressive unintentionally sometimes, and I lack confidence in myself and my ideas too often. I know there are more
But you know what, despite these weaknesses, I am a pretty awesome person and I have a wonderful life. I am full of hope, determination, passion, and I never give up at things I care deeply about. I have a wonderful husband who is so patient with me and who fulfills my life so much. I love that he is so different from me because I get to see life in a whole new way and learn and grow. I have amazing students who teach me and push me to be a better person and teacher. I have the most amazing son who makes me feel loved, important, and needed. He is such a beautiful individual who has so much strength for only being 9 months old. I have been such a monster to my family and yet they are always there for me rooting and cheering for me!
I am writing this post because I finally see it's okay to have weaknesses. You can still be happy and have a wonderful life.
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